Can't You Hear The Stars, My Love? They Scream
by Waiting To Be Broken
Summary: Ianto Jones was one of the first to die in the battle of Canary Wharf. But then who is that man who looks like him, but carries fake memories of impossible things?
1. Chapter 1

Choices That We Make

Some believed that your life was simply a string of decisions, each one of them more important than the previous, and events followed by them. Cause and effect and so on...

They were wrong. It was all in the small, at-first-glance meaningless details, that if changed could create another reality, a parallel world. But how could you distinguish the big from the small choices? For example, catching your plane half an hour earlier to surprise your girlfriend could seem an insignificant decision, right? Wrong! Because just that little detail was able to change realities and destroy worlds.

Of course, that had been the last thing that had crossed Ianto Jones' mind as he'd entered his apartment, his and his girlfriend's, and stumbled on said girlfriend snogging another man on their couch. Years later, as he looked back to that day, he realized that was how his story had started.

"How could you, Lisa?" This Ianto, however, was too busy shouting at his girlfriend to think. The stranger had left 5 minutes ago, seconds after his gaze had laid on Ianto.

"Please, cariad, hear me out," Lisa begged, grasping his hands in her own. He didn't push her away, too afraid he might hurt her even after what she'd done, but refused to meet her eyes nonetheless. "It was just a kiss. One kiss, Ianto, believe me."

The man shook his head, feeling tears burn in his eyes. And he had been so happy, so eager to come home and tell Lisa about that amazing offer some organization named Torchwood had made him. They had even proposed him a place for her. And the salary... they'd have needed to work just a couple of years to lay up enough so their grandchildren would live like kings. Now he didn't even know if they would have grandchildren.

"Forgive me, cariad. I'll never make such a mistake again." Lisa continued and he had to bite his lips to keep the snark reply burning on his tongue. You wouldn't cheat on me or you wouldn't let yourself get caught? He felt betrayed and small and... and so exhausted.

Ianto sighed and nodded, almost smiling when Lisa's face lit up. After all, it had been his fault as well. He shouldn't have left his girlfriend alone so soon after they had moved to London. She had felt lonely and turned to another man. Smiling softly, he extended his arms and Lisa leapt in them, just like she would have done if he had been 30 minutes late.

And somewhere in the back of Ianto's mind, a preposition that could have changed his life laid forgotten.

**A/N **Yes, I know, this was weird and basically had nothing to do with the summary of the story. But don't worry, we are getting there. It _is_ a mystery after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N** This takes place after Gwen saw the Weevil in the hospital. (Season 1, the first episode). It won't be hard to figure out the other things... weeell, the things I want you to figure out, at least.

Same And Still So Different

_"Your coffee, sir," Ianto said softly as he entered Jack's office. His steps were soundless, a skill he'd picked up after going through things in his life he didn't as much as want to think about, careful. He didn't want to startle the other man who was currently staring at the wall with a dreamy smile on his face. However, his skills were in no use with the immortal and Jack broke from his dreamland nevertheless._

_"Do you remember the first time we met?" Jack asked, his eyes unseeing the other man and yet boring holes in his scull._

_"Of course, sir."_

_And he did. He remembered their first meeting, both times. He recalled the playful and cocky Jack from the _first_ first time they had met and nothing could erase from his memories the day he saw this Jack, so similar and yet so different from his one. It had been painful, still was to one degree, but he'd accepted it... his Jack was gone._

_A smile twisted his lips. A butler smile- imperfect in its perfectness. He placed the cup on the desk and left, his mind drifting to the first time he had met his Jack. It was okay, though, because judging from the soft smile spread on his lips, this Jack wasn't thinking about him either._

The cafe was medium sized, the colors of the walls were warm and created a homey feeling, the waiters were always smiling. Nothing out of the ordinary, but for Ianto it was a dream come true. When he was little he always said that when he grew up he was going to hunt monsters for a living and help damsels in distress. After he got older he realized that the only monsters in this world were humans and after Lisa... well, let's say he had found out that he wasn't much into damsels, either. Especially cheating damsels. And just like that the dream of his life had changed a little.

He took in the appearance of the man who had just entered his cafe. Dark, unruly hair, begging him to run his fingers through it, long greatcoat on broad shoulders and piercing blue eyes. He smirked, definitely not a damsel. Ianto rested a hand on Kate's shoulder, one of his waitress who was heading the stranger's way, took her notepad and after straightening his suit approached the man.

"Would you like something, sir?" he asked, taking full advantage of his accent that he knew affected most people. When the stranger lifted his head, his eyes slightly darker than when he'd entered the shop, he knew it'd worked. The man looked him up and down appraisingly before his eyes rested on Ianto's face and he smiled seductively.

"Depends. Do you have tall, dark and sexy in the menu?" The man's voice was rough and send shivers down Ianto's spine.

"I think we do, sir." Ianto returned the smirk and bent over slightly, reaching for the menu. The man's aftershave hit him straight in the face and he had to stop himself from sniffing him, it smelt too good. Mentally noting to ask the other for the name of the shop from which he had brought it, Ianto leafed through the pages before he found the one he was searching for and straightened. The man appeared slightly dazed as he gazed at the page and particularly at a cocktail called "Tall, Dark and Sexy". There was an amused smile on his lips when he lifted his head.

"Cocky little thing, aren't you?"

"Yes, but you may call me Ianto Jones, too."

The stranger laughed and stretched his hand. "Cap'n Jack Harkness."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N** This takes place a little before "Cyberwoman". I wanted to mention that in this story the first season is canon. The next few chapters will be showing both Ianto's memories and the present, until we get to the main even. Enjoy!

Always

_"Oi, Tea-boy, spending too much time in the basement, aren't you? Something we should know?" Owen's teasing voice boomed in the Hub as soon as Ianto was in sight._

_Ianto's eyes widened in shock and it took all of his willpower not to stop dead in track as his brain was going on an overload. Could they know? What if they had found out and now were trying to test him or give him a second chance. A bubble of laughter almost escaped his lips. As if. If they knew they wouldn't give him a second chance, they wouldn't even let him explain. They would kill him, him and Lisa. He was a stranger for them even if he knew everything about them... No, not them, but people who looked like them. God, his life was messed up._

_Meanwhile, as he was having a panic attack, his body decided to act on its own. His every-day mask slipped easily on his face as he continued his journey toward Jack's office._

_"Teaboy! Coffee!" Owen yelled again, breaking him from his musings and this time forcing him to turn around. He glared at the medic who smiled at him slyly and jerked his head toward the kitchen. Ianto opened his mouth, most probably to tell him to "do it himself" when Tosh gazed at him with her adorable puppy-dog eyes that even after years managed to move him. Sighing, he headed toward the kitchen and made 4 coups of coffee, figuring that he could give Jack his when he asked him about an alien Torchwood had caught 40 years ago._

_Ianto raised a perfectly-shaped eyebrow when, upon returning, he saw Tosh and Owen whispering conspiratorially and he got even more suspicious when they broke apart as soon as he entered the main room. He gave them the coffee, leaving Gwen's on her desk, and once again walked toward his boss' office. He did his best to ignore the barely audible whispers from behind him, but as he got closer to the room he wished Tosh and Owen hadn't stopped talking. That way he wouldn't have..._

_Suddenly, just as he reached to open the door, a hand wrapped around his biceps and a nervous-looking Toshiko jumped in front of him._

_"I have to show you something," she said, although it sounded like a plead. When she noticed him hesitate, she blinked slowly, giving him her best begging gaze and simultaneously trying not to look as if she was desperate, which she was... clearly. "Please," she added for good measure and her eyes lit up when Ianto nodded and followed her._

_Ianto appreciated it, what both Owen and Tosh had tried to do. But he wasn't blind nor was he deaf. He had heard the soft moans coming from Jack's office and the absence of Gwen had been a dead give-away. He smiled and nodded as he listened to the computer genius explaining him about the new programme she had created. He didn't dare thinking about the thing that was happening in Jack's office, scolding himself every time he did. He didn't have the right to, his heart shouldn't contract every time his thoughts headed that way, because..._

"Oi, Teaboy, over here," someone shouted and Ianto winced. Was it that time of the day already? He headed toward the voice, mentally preparing a long list of the things he wanted to do and would do if the owner of the voice had come alone. Luckily for him, and for Ianto, not that he would ever admit it, said man had brought his colleagues. At the beginning he had been claiming he was coming to the cafe just to observe how long his boss' fling would last. Now he tended to visit Ianto every day. Twice.

"Hello, Jack. " Ianto smiled at the man he had known the longest in the group and then turned to nod at everyone, a frown forming on his face when he said the last name. "Tosh, Suzie... Owen"

_Strange, really, but Gwen never appeared in his memories._

"So, " Owen started, fiddling with the menu because he knew how much it irritated the other man. "What's new?"

"Well, believe it or not, not many things can happen for, "Ianto pointedly looked at the clock hanging on the wall before fixing his glare on the medic. "5 hours."

"Maybe he comes here so often because the coffee is the best in the whole world," Tosh pipped in, her eyes downcast and Ianto couldn't stop himself from smiling at the deep blush that spread over the girl's cheeks when she felt she had gotten everyone's attention with her attempt to defend Owen.

"Well, it isn't because I want to see Teaboy here and Jack eye-fucking, in any case," Owen snickered.

"If you don't stop calling me Teaboy I'll make sure you are served nothing but decaf here," Ianto growled with an ease that came only after repeating the same words over and over again.

The medic relaxed in his seat, a laid-back smile that didn't suit his situation, and pointed at himself with one finger. "Customer here."

"Owner here," Ianto replied, tilting his head, his voice mocking.

The rest of the group and a few of the other customers watched with amusement the exchange. Some of the regulars even started mimicking the bickering men's words with absolute accuracy, making their companions laugh in delight. It happened twice a day after all.

"Ianto," Jack cut in when the argument started heating up. Ianto looked at him, mostly acting on an instinct and his scowl softened when he was met with a dazzling smile and twinkling blue eyes. "Have you considerate my offer? My team really needs someone like you... and if you're working for me you can make sure Owen gets only decaf," the man continued, wearing his hope in his eyes. It was at least the tenth time he'd asked the Welshman, but something was telling him that this would be the time.

Ianto grinned, just a hint of sadistic pleasure when he heard the "Oi!" coming from Owen, before he replied, "I thought about it and my answer is still no, Jack. As much I'd like to spend more time with you, all of you, there isn't really anything that I'd be able to do for you beside coffee. Not to mention that I don't _know _what you are working... So, decaf for Owen, what about the others?"

If someone noticed the way his smile dimmed slightly no one commented on it. It was the only change in his demeanour. He continued chatting and joking with the customers that had become his friends, accepting the moans of appreciation and the small smile of relief from Owen, when he brought the medic normal coffee. But inside he couldn't stop replaying Jack's words. They needed someone like him... didn't the man know that he was unable to do anything except of coffee, that probably he would just stand in their way, that...

**He was just the Teaboy.**


	4. Chapter 4

Home, Sweet Home

_Ianto heard the key turn into the keyhole and it unlocked a sad smile on his face. A sigh fell from his lips as he slowly rose from the armchair. His gaze swept over the room- pale yellow, peeling walls, worn-out furniture, a lonely lightbulb swaying on a cord from the ceiling. His room. When he'd come here for the first time he'd moved in because it had been available. He had never thought he'd be stuck._

_He heard the loud footsteps getting closer and each one made his heart throb painfully. It hurt almost like that day when everything had ended and even more. Because that day he at least had had someone to hold him close and to tell him that everything will be alright- now the same person was coming toward his living room to kill him._

_Not that Ianto didn't have a choice, there was always a choice. His one? Simple, a gun or poison. He had already decided. That was the regular question presented upon traitors and everyone had always picked the gun. It was quicker, it hurt less. Till now. Ianto was going to be the first man to take the second option._

_It wasn't like he was a masochist, but then again he was starting to get attached toward _this _Jack so maybe... He was afraid, he could feel the way his heart beat frantically just from the thought of the way the poison would set his blood on fire and make him wither from the inside, bit by bit. He just needed the time it would give him. He didn't want Jack seeing _him_. And if that pain was the closest thing from a punishment he would receive from the man he'd hurt long ago... well, wasn't that just a bonus?_

_A few tears welled up in his eyes and he hastily wiped them. There was no time for getting sentimental, he'd weep later. He'd known what he was getting into the moment he decided to help his former girlfriend and no matter what he didn't regret it. There were moments when she was the only thing to keep him sane, the only one to whom he could bare his heart. She was still the same girl and sometimes the realization that she had cheated this Ianto too stabbed his heart but mostly she was the anchor in his world. The thing that connected his present with his past._

_The door opened and he straightened. The last time he would see Jack eye to eye. The other man looked around the room and Ianto had to suppress a shiver from the way he scrunched his nose. It wasn't much, what he had, but it was his. Not for long, he reminded himself._

_"Poison, sir," he nodded curtly, he didn't want to hear Jack ask him how he wanted to die._

_The immortal scowled at him before shaking his head. Maybe they had something new for him? Would they kill him publicly as an example for the others that planned on using Torchwood? Ianto felt his heartbeat quicken. If it was publicly then he wouldn't be able to..._

_"Make yourself presentable. I'll make some coffee and then we'll talk about those suicidal thoughts of yours."_

_And maybe as Ianto took a shower not only water dribbled down his cheeks._

Ianto shivered, wrapping his coat tighter around himself. Head down, arms crossed in front of his chest, he headed home. Today he'd taken too much time to close the cafe and it was already dark. Not that it bothered him. If it wasn't so bloody cold!

He heard a noise from behind him and he turned around, scanning the horizon. When not a shadow moved he shook his head at his own paranoia but still picked up his pace slightly.

His mind drifted to his day, Grace had once again broken a few dishes when she'd been washing them. He had to find her an easier job, he thought. Then there was Emy who couldn't even utter a word to the customers without stuttering. The poor girl, she was so shy. Maybe he could make them switch places, surely one couldn't break a plastic cup. Right? And Owen... God, he was going to ban this man from entering his cafe if he didn't stop flirting with all of his waitresses. He was with Tosh for heaven's sake!

So deep in his thoughts he didn't hear the growl from behind him as a human-like creature stalked him and prepared to jump on him. He didn't notice the man who jumped on the _creature_ and quickly knocked it out. Ianto, however, did sense something a few moments later and it made his back stiffen before he relaxed.

"So are you going to keep stalking me or do you want to come in?" he asked when he stopped in front of his building and turned toward the place where the figure that had been following him for the past 10 minutes was hiding.

The figure, a man in a long coat, messy hair and a flush on his cheeks, from the cold or embarrassment Ianto couldn't tell, slowly, reluctantly walked out of its hiding spot.

"I haven't been stalking you. I was just... in the neighbourhood."

"And you just happened to be standing behind that car or behind that tree at the exact same moment I turned around," Ianto nodded solemnly, smirking inwardly when the flush deepened. He had known that man for so long and yet he'd never seen him so flustered. He smiled gently and beckoned him with a hand, "Come on, Jack, remember I promised you that someday I'll invite you over? Finally, the end of your waiting has come."

Jack grinned from ear to ear and followed his friend. They wouldn't do much more than watch a movie, curled on the sofa with something to eat in their hands, he knew that. Not yet. But it was a start and with surprise Jack realized it was enough. For now.


	5. Chapter 5

Is it really that confusing? Well, I guess that's the curse of the people who try to write mystery. You are bound to wonder at some point- Am I too secretive? Or maybe all my readers know what's going on? And to answer Village-Mystic's question (since it's not a secret... I did say it in the chapter)- No, in the flashbacks he owns a little cafe but Jack keeps offering him a place in Torchwood. Thanks to all who reviewed, put in favourite and alert. I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Sharing Memories With a Smile

"I won't ask you why you did it," started Jack as soon as Ianto came back from the shower, dressed in something different from a suit so dirty it was keeping him upward and looking refreshed. "We all do stupid thing in the name of love. I just want to know w..." He was stopped abruptly by the snort that came from the other man and glanced up, bewildered.

Ianto just smiled slightly and plopped down on the sofa.

"Sorry, sorry. I just... I didn't do it out of love, you know. But don't mind me, I'm listening. Why don't you sit down?" That was what he was reduced to- babbling? It should have embarrassed him but it was so hard when the man in front of whom he was making a fool out of himself looked so much like the one he had loved so long ago. Even that hint of concern, the 'I'm-not-sure-which-one-of-us-has-flipped-their-lid' Ianto knew so well and adored. In a different world, with another man, he had to keep reminding himself that.

Jack nodded and sat down before pushing one of the two cups of coffee he had served little after the other man had disappeared into the shower toward Ianto. There was a moment of silence which the immortal used to decide whether to use Ianto's words to continue the conversation or to say the one he'd prepared all along his way to here. Having decided, he raised his head as he reached for his own cup, "No?"

Once again the air around them went stiff and Jack was just contemplating on how he should always be carefull with that one when Ianto answered,

"Before I found her at Canary Wharf, I thought I had lost everything, that there was no point in living when J... everybody I've ever loved were dead. And then I saw her, half-converted, bloodied and the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." _Except you on the night I met you for the first time in here_ "I thought, I wanted to believe, that if she was alive then there was a chance... other people had lived too. 27 survivals, but they weren't one of them. Neither was I, if you think of it."

"Don't say things like that," interrupted Jack as he had gotten the idea completely wrong. "You _have _survived it, that's what it is important. Some things are better to be forgotten." Without realizing he said the exact same words to the young man that he had repeated to himself over time.

"But isn't that what makes us us? Our memories, our thoughts." Ianto raised his head, their gazes connected and Jack was taken aback by how old those eyes looked and how much pain and despair shone from them,"the faces of our loved ones, imprinted to the back of our minds? That's why I saved her, I convinced myself that if I helped her then she would be there for me too. That she would keep those memories in line. The happy ones, the bad, the romantic... the tragic." His knee bounced yet neither men noticed. "And all those pictures inside my head." The other man almost expected him to grip his head and rock forward but nothing changed, Ianto was as motionless as before." They would make some sense."

Jack nodded, deep in thoughts. It was better to forget about a horiffing experience but there were people who prefered to talk about it. He had seen a lot of them and knew how to deal.

"Why don't you tell me one of those memories you wanted to keep so much?" he asked finally. Ianto looked at him startled and, not that he'd swear on his life, gasped.

"You don't have to..." the younger man started, but when his companion just shook his head, he sighed and, smilling softly, told him one of his clearest memories.

"I worked in a cafe, long ago in ano... in university. To pay the bills and so on." If Jack noticed the wavering of his voice he didn't let it on. "There was that person. A magnificent creature, so unique and funny and perfect and beautiful. We were friends, you could say, even if I wanted more. We would meet at the cafe every day. One night we were walking toward my h... dorm as it had somehow become a tradition..."

_"You don't even pretend to not stalk me anymore, do you?" Ianto said as if to thin air as he was locking the cafe. When he was done he turned around and there he was, his friend, standing on the same spot he'd been yesterday, and the day before, and... since that time he'd followed him home and Ianto had invited him in._

_"I've never stalked you. I'm merely keeping you company, you don't know what kind of stuff is out there." Jack shrugged, falling into an easy step beside him._

_"And since I'm your damsel in distress you have to keep me save?" There was no heat behind the words, merely amusement and the other man caught that perfectly well. He looked at his companion and smirked._

_"You sure look like one." And even the punch he received couldn't stop him from laughing out loud._

_"But milord, I'm nothing but a humble lady." He would have made a curtsy if he wasn't so bloody tired. And if it wouldn't have looked so strange. " I can not be your damsel when I had not had the pleasure of being your date first."_

_They shared a look, both of them biting their lips as if wordlessly they had agreed on making it a competition on who was going to last longer. But soon everything was too much, the incredulous looks they got from the passers-by, the fact either of them could see the other redden in the face and their trembling lips and how every single funny thing they had ever read/seen/heard was twirling inside of their heads and suddenly they burst into laughter that made a dog near cry and a baby- howl. Or maybe it was the other way around... They doubled over, bodies shaking and clutching desperately to one another for some kind of support._

_When they could finally draw a breath without bursting into a fit of giggles they let go of each other, but their eyes met and they shared a little smile. Jack reached out to wipe the tears gathered in the eyes of the other man and even if freezing for a second, Ianto let him._

_"But you are right, you know. I can't possible expect you to be my "damsel" if I haven't asked you on a proper date yet. So, what do you say, Ianto Jones, would you be my date?"_

_"That depends, sir." A teasing smile stretched Ianto's lips, getting even bigger when he noticed the frown on the other man's face. Probably Jack had expected a flat-out 'No' or maybe a leap into his open arms. But who was Ianto to deny them some excitement in their lives? "I have some conditions you have to meet first"_

_"What conditions?" Jack was less suspicious, but his features had yet to relax. Ianto just waved his hand in a dismissive fashion._

_"Oh, I have a list. In fact, keeping Owen away from my cafe is in the top 10. You might want to keep that in mind."_

_"I don't think you have to worry about him. Yesterday, I overheard Tosh saying something about cutting his head if he stepped a foot inside without her. Not sure which head, though." Jack smirked, making it clear that he knew they were messing around but refusing to back down nonetheless."Next?"_

_"Well, you know how the number of people being robbed on their way to their work has increased? It'd be only sensible if you were to keep me company in the morning too."_

_"Gladly." His blue eyes were twinkling with mischief, perfect teeth softly sinking into red lips to keep them from twitching upwards. And maybe Ianto's gaze lingered on them for far too long."Something else?"_

_"There is always the issue about, you know, kissing." He shrugged awkwardly, his eyes shifting from the lips in front of him to the cold pavement. "I think demanding a kiss each day is reasonable, don't you?"_

_He said it playfully but inside he was all knots. He knew the last condition would show he had no desire to be just friends with the other man, that it was more than teasing. He was so anxious he didn't even notice Jack wasn't following him any more for a few seconds. When he did, he turned sharply and almost jumped back from the open _leer_ on his friend's face. He could only watch like a deer caught in the headlines as Jack strode to him, something different, lighter, in his step and wrapped his hands around his waist, bringing him closer. But when those plush lips he had been staring at only moments ago moved, his body reacted on its own and ducked out of the way._

_"After our date," he tried to find an excuse for what he had done, but it was hard when most of his self-control was spent on keeping the blush off his face. He squeezed slightly Jack before untangling himself from his hold. When their eyes met, Jack was smiling too fondly for a man who had been just rejected and that led the Welshman to thinking that he hadn't fooled him._

_"And just so you know," he said, just to regain some of his dignity, " that's our last time we refer to me as a woman."_

"... we were joking and teasing each other, my way of flirting, and later on as I found out- my companion's too. And then, out of the blue, I was invited on a date." His soft smile turned into a grimace in a blink of an eye." It just went downhill from there."


	6. Chapter 6

Dates and Kisses

"... and imagine my surprise when he dropped his pants, just like that, in the middle of the street. It turned out in his culture they bump their cocks just like we shake hands. Not that I complained."

Ianto threw him a side way glance, eyes wide and mouth slightly hanging open, before chuckling disbelievingly, "No. You didn't. Did you? But didn't you say he had..."

"Six hands, yeah. And two dicks as I realized 5 minutes in our acquaintance. We made a good use of it, all of it."

The other man softly gasped and then roared with laughter. It was that cocky grin and teasing smile. He could never stay impassive when they were involved.

It had been a wonderful night. They had walked in the park as they waited for their movie to start, discussing nonsense and basically killing time. Jack was still trying to make it better, even a few weeks after the incident with Lisa, and as much as the Welshman was grateful he knew it was pointless. He was better, he wasn't broken. He was shattered into pieces that could never be brought together again, there was a difference, and even if they were, the biggest one was long since lost. Nevermind, in times like these, he tried not to spoil the moment with grim thoughts. And going out was better than staying in his apartment and staring at the wall- what he had been doing the past few weeks because a certain dickhead (Owen) had decided he needed a rest.

So he continued listening to Jack and laughing at his stories, sometimes forcing his heart not to pang in the mentions of the other man's affairs and sometimes, even if once or twice, remembering the tales before the immortal had had the chance to tell them. After all, this Jack and his own didn't share only their appearance.

Unnoticeably, they had reached Ianto's flat. He turned around, smile almost hurting his sides and extended an arm.

"It was nice going out with you, Jack. I really hop..." and the rest of his words were cut when Jack wrapped a hand around his waist and dragged him closer, connecting their lips. The kiss lasted for one beautiful and perfect moment before Ianto pushed the other man away. They stared at each other, a moment extending in their minds and turning into an eternity.

"What are you doing?" all but shrieked the Welshman as he fought the urge to run away and hide in his apartment. He wanted to lick his lips, savour the taste, but instead he bit them. "What the bloody hell do you think you are doing?"

For once Jack looked taken aback. His hands fell limply on his sides, his body looked so small in that big greatcoat. Ianto had never seen him like that, at least not this one. He almost took his words back, almost gathered him in his arms before he had to remind himself, or to command himself, he didn't care anymore, that those feelings weren't directed to this Jack. If he acted on them he'd only hurt himself.

"I thought... When you talked about your previous lover you didn't mention their sex and I thought... that it was deliberate. And we were on a date, weren't we. It's only suitable to end a date with a kiss."

In normal conditions, Jack would have probably added 'and something more' and Ianto knew it. It did nothing to lessen the horror and humiliation he was feeling. "So what? What if I was bi, Jack? Then I would fall in your arms and we would live happily until-you-get-tired-of-me after? The world doesn't revolve around you!"

It was harsh, he realized it. And Jack didn't deserve it. But the self-hatred bubbling inside of him because he had let this go too far, he hadn't kept his mouth shut, the fear that Jack suspected more, so much more, and the painfully familiar taste burning inside his mouth kept him going. Hands curled into fists, nostrils flaring just slightly, he hissed, "I'll see you tomorrow at work, sir."

By the time he was safely locked into his apartment and leaning against the door, he couldn't stop the tears from falling nor the memories from swirling around his brain.

_Jack was the perfect gentleman- he opened the doors, listened intently to him but most importantly he didn't push him. Now, it made Ianto feel like a virgin on their first date but he appreciate it. No matter that he had realized not long ago he was more into men than women he hadn't dated anyone since... her._

_Their conversation was interrupted when the waiter, a young man with a blinding smile, brought them their order. Ianto returned the smile. It was nice to be served like that, he had always reminded that to his own staff. He caught Jack's knowing glance and the slightly turned corners of his mouth as if ready to curl into a grin. He had planned it, but it wasn't like Ianto would complain- the restaurant they were in was a cosy little thing, the conversation was easy-flowing, mostly concerning their daily lives, or Ianto's to be more precise. Realizing that gave the Welshman the idea of what his next question would be._

_"So, what does your company do, exactly?" he asked, digging into his lasagna but keeping a firm eye on his companion._

_"Marketing," fired quickly, far too quickly, Jack. Later on he'd inform his welsh lover that it was an answer all of the people related to Torchwood had to use because it put people off and they didn't ask more questions. Right now, though, he was too busy sputtering barely coherent explanation on what exactly he was doing or to put it simply- answering Ianto's question._

_After 10 torturous minutes, Jack finally fell silent with a barely disguised sigh. "I've been meaning to ask you something. It might be personal, and I'm sorry if it is, but what brought you to Cardiff. Since we both know I'm quite stalkerish I won't hide that I asked, " 'grilled over slow fire' assisted Ianto's brain, "one or two of your staff" 'five, six, seven'," and they claimed you have come from London."_

_The Welshman's smile froze and he had difficulty with forcing the stone down his throat. There was a reason why he didn't tell anyone the reason he had moved. Seeing the pity in his friends' and family's eyes had been enough. Listening to their 'It isn't your fault's had made him want to puke. But this was different, it wasn't some stranger on the Tube, nor his new employee. Jack was something else._

_So he told him. He talked and talked about the mysterious Torchwood that had offered him a job, about his excitement as he had rushed home earlier, about the numerous times Lisa had cheated on him after that. Everything. And halfway through his story he realized his heart no longer felt heavy, that everything he was saying was just words not a way to torture his soul as he had previously thought._

_"Well, it's not like you needed a girl so dumb she didn't realize what a treasure you are," smiled Jack after the end of the story and in one swift movement covered Ianto's hand with his own. And, funny, that was the most intimate thing, except of course going on a date, they had done that evening. "Besides, if you hadn't caught her, we wouldn't have met."_

_There was pity in Jack's eyes, there always was in people's eyes, but with surprise Ianto realized he didn't care. Knowing the other man it was probably directed to Lisa, anyway. "Yes, probably we wouldn't have. And what a shame that would have been."_

_Jack burst into laughter and the other man soon followed suit. From then on, the night went from better to wonderful. After the restaurant, where they wordlessly split the bill, and the ice cream they shared on a bench near a snogging teenage couple, that only made them laugh even more, Jack insisted on walking Ianto home. And as they walked hand in hand, the Welsman really couldn't help but be glad Lisa had put him through all of this if only for the man he had beside him._

_"Well then, Ianto Jones, our first day is over and I believe you have promised me something." His words were teasing but his eyes grew serious and hard. Sometimes later Ianto would wonder if that was how he dealt with anxiety and then more years into the future he would answer that question positively._

_Now he was just happy with leaning down and planting a chaste kiss on Jack's full, soft lips. It was so gentle and perfect, and when Jack opened his mouth to let out the moan pushing against his lips Ianto felt dizzy from the taste that burst into his mouth. Moments later when they separated, Ianto couldn't keep the slightly dreamy look out of his face. By the look of it, neither could Jack._

_Blink. Blink. "Do you want to come in?" Ianto drawled slowly, his welsh accent more distinct than any day._

_"Maybe another time," whispered against his lips Jack and with a final kiss on his lips moved away. "I had a wonderful time, Ianto. Maybe we would do it again."_

_Blink. Grin. "Definitely!"_


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N** I'm alive! And I come bearing gifts. See, there is a revelation in this chapter and the next one... there are so many in it that it isn't even funny. By the way, it really is difficult to write this. I have the feeling that I write two stories at once and even if that wasn't hard enough I have to consider their past future and their future future and... ugh! Oh, well, ignore my babbling and just enjoy.

First Fight Is Always The Worst

"Cut this crap."

Jack cornered him 3 days after the date he hadn't known was a date. The immortal was flushed, his nostrils flaring and eyes hard. Ianto had never heard him curse before and he jerked involuntarily.

"What do you mean, sir?"

He kept the act of the good old butler just like he had in the past few days. He would have never let his feeling interfere with his job. It's all he had. This and his memories.

"Look, if I knew you would act like a bloody virgin I wouldn't have done it," Jack snapped, while the Welshman just shook his head. He didn't want to hear it so he adjusted the coffee tray and tried to push the other man's body. Inwardly, he was thankful that it was too early for someone to walk in and see the immortal so close to him that they were breathing each other's breath. He managed to put some distance between them with the gawking suspicion that it was only because Jack had let him. "I wanted just a little bit of fun. I'm not searching for a relationship and I'm sorry that I thought you were the same."

Ianto almost laughed. Moments like these showed him how different this Jack and his own were. To apologize like that? His Jack would have never even consider it. He knew he shouldn't have expected roses or soft kisses and whispers of love. A true apology, Captain Jack Harkness style. And he also knew he had to accept it, nod his head like the obedient little servant everyone thought him to be and leave, just leave.

"I'm sorry too, sir," instead he said with a smile that meant the other person was in trouble. Jack didn't know him well enough to see it, though. "I mean I should have seen that you can't be nice without wanting to screw me. And I'm sorry that after the only two real relationships in my life, that had ended with both of my partners deaths and everything being my fault I couldn't find the desire to sleep with you. Certainly you can't understand my struggle due to your lacking in some departments and I must apologize for that too. For not considering what an unfeeling ba... person you are."

A few seconds they stared at each other, Ianto's lips still stretched into the perfect smile, eyes challenging but not furious, the rage was deep within and Jack's face completely blank.

"Apology accepted." Jack finally nodded and grinned. "Can I have something different from decaf now?"

When Ianto had finally found the brain cells to close his mouth the other man was just closing the door of his office. He honestly had no idea what had happened. Was Jack so oblivious? Or maybe that was his way of running, of showing that he simply didn't care and didn't want to dwell on the subject.

What Ianto couldn't help but find funny, even a little cute in a completely retarded way, was that Jack though after that that they were good. The same night the immortal put an arm on his shoulder and pretended not to notice the way his back stiffened. A few days later it occurred him that maybe they were. Okay.

_Their first and longest fight started a month after their first official date and lasted exactly 6 days and 5 hours. It wasn't the most epic fight, Ianto was almost sure Jack hadn't even known they were fighting until Day 3. He had finally awoken when he had invited the Welshman to the cinema and that had been the answer, _

_"I'm not really in the mood to be with you, Jack." _

_The thing was Ianto Jones was a pretty straightforward guy. Or had been. As years passed he taught himself to keep silent, give half-truths or no truths at all, to keep secrets. You know, just for the sake of staying alive and everything as trivial. So he wasn't playing hard to get, he really only wished for a little time to gather his thoughts and to calm himself. To understand why Jack had lied to him. Why he felt so betrayed when it wasn't even something huge. _

_Just something about his work. _

_Thinking back, the Welshman realized he had really pretty much ignored Jack for those 6 days. He barely talked to him and if he did it was to take his order. He refused any kind of interaction. Surprisingly, the other man took it well, he never said anything as if he knew it was better to wait until his lover wanted to talk to him. _

_Everything changed when on the 6th day Ianto sent a waitress to Jack's table. Again, it was nothing deliberate, he wasn't trying to use his 'inner-girl' powers to try to connect to Jack's brain and signal him that the other had a lot of apologizing to do. He was busy. It had never happened again, but it was the first from many to come. _

_"I'm sorry." 5 hours later Jack showed up on Ianto's doorstep, carrying roses and a guilty expression. "I have no idea what I did but I am sorry." _

_Honesty, the Welshman noted with a bitter smile, that, or the lack of it, had been the problem in the first place. _

_"Torchwood," Ianto explained, crossing his arms and leaning on the door frame, a clear sign that they were going to deal with it and deal with it there. He might have been angry but he didn't want everything to end because he was a stubborn idiot. _

_"Who?" Jack's face was blank, the roses forgotten as his hands fell passively on each side of his body. _

_"Owen." _

_Jack scowled as if he had known and tried to explain, "I didn't mean to lie to you but... I couldn't really tell you, either. The marketing is a lie we all use, nobody could see through it because nobody really cares." _

_"But I did." Ianto smiled despite himself even if it was probably one of the stupidest reaction he could have shown. Jack returned it, probably a little too fondly. He must have thought it was over. "But what I don't understand is why you had to lie to me in the first place. If you had said that you didn't want to talk about it I wouldn't have pushed. I just... after everything I shared I can't believe you..." _

_Ianto gave up on finishing the sentence, just sighed and shook his head. _

_"I'm sorry," Jack tried again, this time his voice almost a whisper, his face showing that he thought everything was going to end now and Ianto had honestly no idea whether to laugh or hug him to death for how childish he looked. _

_He smiled, figuring that the laugh wouldn't have been accepted pretty well, and took the flowers out of the other man's grip. _

_"Yeah, whatever, just don't do it again, okay?" His voice was teasing but they both knew he was serious. "Now come inside and tell me all about that mysterious Torchwood." _

_"National security!" Jack noted as he slipped into the other's house, tone a lot lighter than used to be. "What did Owen tell you, actually?" _

_"Hm? Oh, he didn't tell me anything. He ordered coffee by the name 'Torchwood'" _

_"You take deliveries?" Jack's voice was incredulous as he sat next to his lover on the sofa. Not that he would ever use it, buying coffee was one of his excuses to see the Welshman during the workday. He smiled when Ianto curled next to his body and rested his head on his shoulder and almost missed the answer. _

_"Of course not. But Owen is an idiot and I was curious... And by the way? I saw the thing you use to get to your secret base!" _

_No matter how much Jack wanted to kill the doctor at that moment he just laughed and wrapped his hands around the other's shoulders. Everything could wait, now he had far more enjoyable things to do. _


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N **I read a theory about my story! I'm so happy! Thank you, and you and especially you (that was for everyone)! You know, I'm a really mean person. But you'll see that for yourself in a few minutes.**_  
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The Funny Little Thing Called Memory

_Ianto Jones remembered a lot of things, it was one of the perks or maybe the curses of being who he was. He could go so far as to tell you what sort of cake he had had on his 8th birthday or the name and age of his first homeroom teacher. He had no trouble recalling events he shouldn't have remembered like when back in the days he didn't know what Torchwood was and Jack had to practically retcon him after their every other date._

_But there was one thing, a single event in his long life that he couldn't remember. Ironically, the memory of it would have probably been able to save the Earth as they all knew it._

The first time he had seen him on the news his heart had skipped a beat. The Master, witty, cocky, sarcastic... when he wasn't pushing his lover against the wall, ignorant of the way the other people in the room were watching them, of course. Ianto had admitted long ago that he had a bit of a crush on his snarky ways, a fact that his Jack found both amusing and a little concerning.

The Welshman had been disappointed when he had found out that the man on the screen was simply that- a man. He even had a new name- Harold Saxon.

Ianto couldn't help but find it heart-clenching. The only one who could make the Doctor happy- a human. Because if there was someone who knew about the pain that was being in love with an immortal man that was Ianto Jones.

So, really, he had no idea what to expect when he entered the room picked for the meeting of the Minister of Defense with Torchwood, represented by Ianto. He couldn't help but wonder how much a person could change if they were born a different species, he had never seen something like that. Maybe the Master would be... normal. He almost laughed at that, the other man would be batshit crazy even if he was a plant.

Then a familiar scent washed over him and he gasped. Oh. Still a Time Lord then. Ianto watched as the other stopped as well and sniffed the air and he tried not to wince. He knew how he smelled. Like a garbage-can left for a few days to sunbathe, like a house full with corpses. Like a paradox.

"You smell differently," Harold, the Master, smirked and headed towards him. It seemed like he had no problem with the smell that only those like him could sense.

"So do you. An alien?" Ianto decided it was best to act clueless before he knew if it safe to open his mouth.

"As much of an alien as you are."

How dare he... The Welshman stuck his chin out. "I'm perfectly human."

The Master just continued to smirk and offered his hand which the other accepted, even if a little reluctantly. "Were human, once upon a time in a different world, you mean? I've done my research, Ianto Jones."

The grip around his fingers tightened. It would have made more men cry out but Ianto just returned the squeeze with as much force. "Yeah? Well, I know everything about you, too, Master." Harold tilted his head but the smirk on his face was a shade lighter. "The Doctor's lover, the last one of your kind, besides him. Don't act all high and mighty because I've seen you, the way you look at him as if you would do everything for a simple smile. And if you loved him there you love him here, too."

The smirk was completely gone now. The Master snorted lightly, eyebrows raising slightly and his lips formed a bitter smile, just for a second before the Time Lord let go of the other's hand, turned his back on him and led the way to the sofa in the middle of the room.

"The same goes for that immortal of yours, my dear boy," the Master finally said after a few seconds of silence. Ianto fidgeted in his seat. But he had said so much already and it wasn't like the other didn't know about his past. He knew about Jack after all, and nobody knew about that because there was nothing between them worth knowing. Between him and this Jack.

"Yes, I'm the love of his life. The only one who can make his existence feel perfect and meaningful, the one that could put a smile on his face and make sure it never goes away. But not the me standing before you... but the one that died long ago. _My_ soulmate is gone and so is his. What we are doing right now is clean each other's wounds." The Welshman could feel tears burning his eyes and he shook his head to send them away. He had never admitted it out loud. That there was only one for him and he no longer existed.

"And don't call me boy, I'm as old as you," he added just for the sake of the barter. Like the old times.

The Master was looking at him carefully like a rare bug he had found on his sleeve. Ianto had never liked it when people did that, he felt like a freak. Not that he wasn't.

"Yes, yes, you are," the Time Lord whispered and it sounded almost gentle. He reached out to caress the Welshman's cheek but Ianto backed away. The Master was never careful with anybody who didn't bear the title 'The Doctor' if he didn't want something. The man before him immediately dropped his hand. "Then tell me, Ianto Jones, are you afraid of the darkness?"

He meant something more than just the lack of light and Ianto should have been afraid- the alien in front of him knew. Instead he just smiled.

"You are only afraid of things you haven't experienced before."

"Good." The smirk was back and it was even more scary. "A brilliant answer. This would hurt a lot."

Something pointy touched Ianto's skin and before he knew it, something was injected into his body. The pain make him yelp and double up, but that just made the thing travel faster, like acid burning through his veins. He almost missed the words whispered into the room.

"I think in another life we would have been friends"

Ianto didn't have the time to reply "We were" because he was falling and the all-too-familiar darkness that had nothing to do with the lack of light embraced him.

_He was climbing the Himalayas when the memory of this struck him. But it was already too late._


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N** Just so you know I finally have a detailed plan for their future, past and present. I'm so proud ^.^ Also I just realized that I pay too much attention to what has happened and the present, which should actually be as important even a little more, is neglected. So don't worry, I'll fix it... next chapter.

Sometimes I Wish You Would Have Died In My Arms

There were a lot of things Ianto hated about this Jack. He was a flirt, he would drool over everything that moved and had a hole, and some of the ones that didn't but that was too disturbing to even think. The times the Welshman had witnessed his boss trying to get a thing that looked like a human only in a pitch-black room were numerous and he still refused to admit that it bothered him even in the slightest. He was bossy. of course, that was his job, but he was the biggest control-freak Ianto had met. Telling him what to do when they were fighting aliens was one thing and ordering for the whole team when they were out, entirely different. And if that wasn't enough to send a grown man run for his life Jack was also a pompous dick. He didn't think the sun shone from his ass, oh no, he believed his ass _was_ the reason the universe hadn't collapsed yet. But on top of the list was and would ever be the fact that he died.

A lot.

And Ianto was left wondering if that was the day Jack Harkness would finally close his eyes for the last time. The day that his heart would stop and beat no more. Because that day would come, he knew it. He had seen it. It was just a matter of time.

Not that he would ever focus on that thought. It was one of those fleeting ones that came and went as they pleased, whispering nonsense that you knew deep inside of you that were true and left you broken and clutching the nearest surface.

But really, right now he was too busy drowning the need to rush to the immortal's side as he felt down with a shout for the second time _this week,_ put his head in his lap and hold him close until he wakes up and even after that. The very reminder that he couldn't do it was killing him. As if he wasn't worthy to help, as if he was nobody and he was. To them.

It didn't help at all that he knew what was Jack going through. The pain then the sudden numbness then the nothing. Darkness and coldness that enveloped you so tightly that it was suffocating. His Jack had told him everything. And now... it was a part of him.

Yet he couldn't do anything but turn around, act like he had some work to do, wait with bated breath for any sign that Jack would live and biting back sobs when he received one.

The first time is always the worst, people say. Eventually you get better at accepting it, the pain fades away until it's just a gnawing feeling at the back of your heart. You know what to expect so why hurt, anyway, right? It was a lie, of course. If Ianto knew something it was that time didn't heal the wounds, it just made them easier for other people to ignore.

He remembered the first time it happened as if it had been yesterday. After all he had dreamed it when Jack died the last time.

_"Tell me about Torchwood," Ianto demanded, laughing. He wasn't drunk, he really wasn't. The fact that he had to lean on Jack and they were walking arm in arm was just a stra... strateg... a smart move. He swayed forward and Jack immediately caught him with a chuckle._

_"I'd have to kill you if I tell you."_

_Even the voice was teasing and there was no way the Welshman was believing that._

_He snorted. "As if. You would miss this too much." He tried to gesture his figure but all he did was slap his hips and almost fall again. Okay so he was maybe just a little bit tipsy. It was entirely Jack's fault, though, for forcing him to drink so much, saying it would be entertaining. Woah, big word there. He patter himself on the back mentally. Or at least he thought it was mentally but in reality he actually reached for his back and when Jack stopped him he just giggled._

_The Welshman didn't know how long they have been walking as he spent most of the time thinking about how nice it was to have someone to take care of you, even if they had been the one to cause you trouble. The warm body that was burning his own wasn't something he was complain about, either. It was pure bliss and Ianto was thinking that he should get drunk more often when Jack suddenly stopped and the Welshmen was violently reminded that the other was dragging him forward and he was in no condition to reverse their places._

_He gave up trying to continue walking with a lover who was holding him back, and doing it with all his strength, and looked around. Ianto was expecting to see some gang headed their way, each member with muscles that weighted as much as he did and a metal bar in their hand. Or maybe a dead body lying on the asphalt. But everything was quiet and peaceful. The lamps were glowing softly, some stray cat was mewling in the distance. Typical night._

_Well, maybe except of the huge thing that was standing a few meters away from them. It looked a little like a human, it even had some hair on its head. If it wasn't for the lack of a nose and the wrinkles around the eyes and the barred sharp teeth he would be a very handsome man, Ianto was sure. He was also certain that it was a hallucination so he paid it no mind. He had seen it bef... Hm? What was that again? Anyway, it would be so funny to find out what Jack's eyes were tricking him to believe was true._

_"What are you seeing?" he turned toward the other man with a smile which disappeared as fast as the worried look on Jack's face when he realized he was being watched. But Ianto had seen it. He turned his eyes toward the creature again, noted the way it was breathing heavily and the puffs that were forming before his mouth. His eyes widened and he moved his gaze to his lover. This time Jack didn't hide his distress and the Welshman didn't know whether to be glad or freaked out. "T-this is real?!"_

_"I'll explain later. You have to run!" instead replied Jack._

_His eyes were darting nervously but never really letting the monster out of his eye-sight. He let go of Ianto's hand and pushed him back and away._

_"Like Hell I'm leaving you alone with some... thing!" That would have sounded far more convincing if his words weren't slurred. To his credit though he was quickly sobering up and that was showing from the fact that he was standing upward, the shaking of his legs a distant memory. "I'm helping."_

_Jack spared him a single glance and an upward curling of the corner of his lips that could or maybe should have been a smile. And then he lurched forward. Ianto froze, everything happening so fast it became blurry. Jack and the creature were wrapped around each other, twisting and turning, the thing's teeth so close to the column of his lover's throat and the Welshmen gulped because he had imagined tonight would end with his lips on his date's skin not some _monster's.

_Jack screamed after, as it seemed from this angle, the creature sunk its teeth in him and that spurted Ianto in action. He ran toward the fighting couple, took the nearest hard object he could find, which luckily was a stone, could you imagine him hitting the thing with a cat for example, and dropped it on the freak's head. There was a long second in which he thought he had screwed up and the creature would get up and go after him, and that wasn't so bad, really, but instead the thing collapsed on top of Jack._

_Ianto shoved him away and crouched down next to his lover. His eyes were closed, he noticed after a one-look examination, and there were bruises in the shape of fingertips around his throat that were shining more brightly by the second on that pale skin. Too pale skin. Shock and dread took a hold of his mind as he himself paled. That couldn't be true._

_Jack wasn't dying because of a creature as if come from a nightmare. It was a dream, it had to be. One of those silly things people had that came in key moments in their lives to show them what they really wanted from the world._

_He pressed his hands on Jack's chest and pushed. He had been on a course for this, he would manage this!_

_He had so many things to do with Jack. He hadn't even slept with him! He hadn't told the other man that he loved him. He hadn't introduced him to his parents. He hadn't showed him his secret receipt for coffee. They hadn't watched the new Harry Potter movie!_

_Jack's lips were turning blue. The Welshman stopped trying to make his heart beat again, because it had stopped he could feel it. He wouldn't believe it, thought. Ianto moved toward his lips and began forcing breath in his lungs. It was going to work. It had to._

_Jack had to live because Ianto loved him._

_But Jack wasn't breathing. The adrenaline that had been the only reason he was moving vanished from his body and he fell backward. Trembling all over, he fished the phone from his pocket and just looked at it. Tears were rolling down his sides and the dinner was rising in his throat. Dinner he had had with Jack. He sobbed and buried his head in his hands. This was all a dream._

_It couldn't be real._

_The wind caressed his shoulders, imitating a hand that he knew so well, and his sobs got even louder._

_"Everything is going to be alright," it whispered in his ear and he shook his head. He would never see him again, how was that even bearable to think?_

_"I'm sorry," it tried again and Ianto could feel its pain._

_"He did it to save me," the Welshmen whispered in his hands and he was sure the wind hadn't heard him because it continued to brush his shoulders gently. That great man had died to protect him. Some boy that came from nowhere, was going nowhere and was nothing. The wind curled around his chin and lifted it._

_Except it wasn't the wind. It was Jack Harkness, in flesh and blood, skin yellow in the lamp's light. And breathing. Ianto shook his head, cried even harder, chuckled, choked on his own tears and shook his head again. He was losing it._

_And Jack's ghost was trying to push something in his mouth._

_"Everything will be better once you take it," he whispered, the hand on the other's shoulder never stopping._

_Not one to trust ghosts so easily, especially when seconds ago he had realized they existed, he took the thing but spew it out instead of gulping it down._

_And his blood ran cold when he saw it. Oh. They had been attacked by a Weevil. Jack had explained to him what these things were after the first time they had been attacked. He remembered now. Nice. And Jack had died. Good, good. And Ianto's next stop was the madhouse. Brilliant._

_He stood up, wiping his tears, fixed his gaze on Jack, who looked a bit concerned and a lot horrified. The ground was dangerously close again but he batted the hand the other man offered him for help and stood up again._

_"You have a lot of explaining to do."_


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N **Just to be clear, I'm not dumping the flashbacks. I love them just as much as you do. It's my only way of writing cute, caring Jack after all. Now, to answer questions.

'This reality' is the show. Everything that happened in season one is canon. The Gwen thing, though, is more of a personal thing. I really believe she and Jack had done... stuff... together. Even if I hate the idea.**  
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The title... Well, it was supposed to be in the fic. _Someone _was telling _someone_ about _something_ (I know, so informative!) but in the end I decided to put it as a title because of the way it sounded. If you take only the meaning of the sentence it sounds absurd (listening to stars, hearing them scream) just like everything that is happening in the story. One big paradox. Now the reason stars are screaming... this is something I'll answer. Eventually.

Best And Worst

It had become their little tradition. Every Tuesday Jack would walk Ianto home, stay awkwardly in front of the door no matter how many times the Welshman urged him to step inside and wait for his friend to change into something more comfortable so they could go out. The place wasn't part of the tradition, it always varied. So did the time- with lives like theirs they couldn't even dream of setting up an hour for their weekly going-outs.

Still it was the only stable thing in Ianto's life, which was saying a lot, right now. And he loved every second of it.

"I'm going to get us something to drink. You want something?" Jack yelled over the loud music, pointing at the bar on the other side of the club.

Ianto shook his head with a smile and turned toward the girl he was dancing with. It wasn't like he didn't want anything to drink, or even didn't need the excuse to leave his dance partner that going with Jack would provide. But this was their third time coming to this club and the Welshman knew perfectly well that Jack won't be returning any time soon. Not with that new bartender that looked like his face would split in two when the immortal neared him.

But that was okay because they were friends now, they spent time together and everything was okay. He smiled at the brunette pressing closer to him and leaning forward, no doubt to ask him if he wanted them to go somewhere quieter when something cold pressed against his neck and he jumped.

"Have a little bit more fun, Ianto," Jack whispered from behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and dragging him just slightly away from the grabbing female. "Sorry, sweetheart, but he is mine."

If there had been a competition 'Who would be more surprised by those words' Ianto and the girl would be definitely in a tie. But while she gasped, eyes widening, then narrowing and quickly walking away from them, something sounding suspiciously like "Bloody faggots," leaving her mouth when she neared her friends, Ianto just stood there.

When she was out of earshot he grabbed one of the beers Jack held in his hands and then tugged at them lightly. Instead of following his silent request, the immortal tightened his hold and propped his chin on the other's shoulder.

"Jack," he warned icily, but it was a half-hearted attempt. He liked the pressure, the warmth. It bought memories of being held and loved but it also arose feelings within him that he didn't want to have or even admit of having.

"No can do, lover-boy. Didn't you hear what I said? You are mine tonight."

The breath was tickling his neck but he managed that little control over his body that prevented him from shivering. Still, as he spoke a stutter could be found, laying deeply within his words, "Don't I get a saying? And I thought I told you..."

"Yeah, not interesting. I heard you the first time. You just seemed like you needed a little help, that's all."

Jack chuckled and let him go, but not before planting a chaste kiss on his cheek.

And god help him, but Ianto was so, so interested. Which of course didn't mean he wasn't the same prideful and clear-headed person he had always been. Or at least he told himself that. He took a step forward, putting some needed distance between them, before he turned around.

"Thank you. But what about the bartender?"

The immortal took a swig of his beer. "It's you-and-me night, I can keep it in my pants."

This was by far the most ridiculous thing that Ianto had ever heard coming from the other's mouth and he made it clear by snorting and giving the other a look that after years of usage he had named his 'Really, Jack, Really?' look. To his credit, the immortal endured exactly one minute before he broke down and laughed, taking out a piece of paper and waving it in front of the other's eyes.

"Yeah, okay. Tom gets off in four hours so I thought I could find something to occupy my mind."

Ianto should have felt offended, that he was a second option even on the night that was reserved only for them but he didn't. This was Jack. Not his one, but close enough. And Ianto was starting to get a little too comfortable in accepting that fact.

"Now, will the hero get a dance from his lovely heroine?"

Jack wiggled his eyebrows and stepped forward, not yet suffocating the other with his presence but... just being there. He had always been like that. His presence was that big _something_, larger than life thing you couldn't ignore. Briefly, Ianto wondered if it was meant to be intimidating or seductive before he realized with a snort it was neither. It was bloody hilarious. But that could have been the beer talking.

"I thought we agreed to never use words like this to describe me," he teased, even as he shortened the distance between them.

Jack's only response was an arched eyebrow but he didn't comment on it. Which, in retrospect, should have been his first clue. Honestly, Jack ignoring a chance to make innuendoes and tease was like... Jack not flirting for a day. Which. Yeah.

The Welshman should have been more careful, he should have just stopped and tried to think what had went wrong. Instead he was swept in Jack's embrace and they were moving slowly, refusing to submit to the rhythm the bar was forcing onto the other couples and creating their own. Jack was whispering something in his ear and chuckling and Ianto knew he had to laugh so he did. Loud, clear and way too happy for a person who was just having fun with a friend on a Tuesday for the seventh weeks now in a row.

Maybe because the man enjoying himself with a friend was gone. On its place was that sad little old man who had lost his lover so long ago. Who had never forgotten about him and now, magically, he was getting a single night with him again.

And Ianto was going to indulge him with that illusion because that man was slowly dying. That man couldn't forget his old lover, he loved him so much and so deeply that when the memory of him started to diminish so did he.

It took him half a day to realize that Jack had spent the rest of his night with him, Tom the bartender nothing but a piece of paper in his pocket.

It took him even more to realize his slip that night. Oh.

_"So, let me get this straight," Ianto whispered, leg bouncing nervously, not yet a tic but going there. He didn't know whether to laugh at the man sitting next to him on his sofa like a child who had misbehaved and was now awaiting punishment or to hit him, as hard as he could, throw him out of his apartment then roll into a ball and cry his eyes out. Really, he was on the verge of doing both._

_"Torchwood is an organization that fights with aliens and you are the head of the one in Cardiff. The thing that just attacked us was an alien and this is not the first time we meet something like this but I didn't remember because you drugged me. And you would have continued doing this _thing_ if my memories haven't been returned and I have developed some sort of immunity against the drug."_

_His voice was low and even, not one emotion sipping from it, eyes cold. The only thing that was showing he wasn't a marble statue was his bouncing leg. Which, strangely enough, seemed to do nothing to ease Jack's nerves._

_They stood like that a few minutes, the only sound between them the drumming of Ianto's fingers._

_"I'm sorry," Jack finally whispered, lifting his head. The dejected look on his face was almost enough to make the other forgive him._

_So the Welshman dignified him with an answer._

_"And this is just grazing the surface. You said you are from the future, you can't die and you are far older than you look!"_

_"Ianto..." Jack cut in with a faint voice and the other let him. But when he was given the word he did nothing but stay there, head bent down again and hands curled around the back of his neck._

_"Yes, Jack?" Ianto urged him when he made no attempt to apologize or justify his decision to hide those things from his lover. "Now it's the time for you to defend yourself."_

_"I can't do that!" Jack's voice was so loud that Ianto jumped and then froze again as shining blue eyes bore into his. The captain laid a hand on his thigh, just warm pressure but it felt so oddly familiar and nice that the other bit his lips to keep from whimpering. "I'm sorry that I had to lie to you, that I had to drug you, that you had to find out this way. But I'm not sorry that I came to you and didn't say 'Hello, My name is Jack, I'm from the 51 century, I time-traveled with an alien and now I'm stuck here. Wanna shag?' I'm not sorry that I fell for you."_

_The silence continued centuries and with every moment that passed Ianto felt more broken, more helpless and more exhausted. He stared at the other's face, so beautiful and alive. Eyes filled with hope. And he could see nothing but that pale skin and those blue lips. The Welshman laid a hand on top of Jack's just so he could feel the warmth again and maybe convince himself that it had been a lie. A hateful nightmare._

_'That face would look just like this in 50 years,' the thought hit him square in the chest. Jack couldn't die. Years later he wouldn't remember him let alone this conversation. He was just an entertainment along the road... a blip in time._

_Biting his lips to keep himself from crying, Ianto knocked off the hand in his lap and stood up. "You need to go, Jack."_

_He didn't know what was worse. The pain and horror that filled the other man's eyes or the quiet resignation that followed. Everything hurt so much and it was so easy to just let the numbness take over him yet he couldn't. Not when the love of his life, because Jack was that, no matter what, stared at him like he was devouring every detail. Like he was afraid this would be the last time they..._

_In one of those moment in which logic had left the building, the Welshman dragged Jack in a tight embrace._

_"We are not breaking up, Jack. I just need to sort this mess first. Please."_

_"Everything you want. Everything." The words were muffled from the way Jack was pressing his face in the other's neck as if wanting to crawl under his skin. "Just know that I l..."_

_"You know where to find me," Ianto stopped him in a whisper. He didn't want to hear those words right now. When they were to exchange them it would be because they both felt happy beyond reason, not to stop one of them from leaving. He would never forgive himself for that._

_Reluctantly, his lover pulled away. He stood still, looking sheepish, for a few moments and left. But not before dragging his chapped lips over Ianto's tender cheek._


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N** I think I kind of screwed up with this chapter. It felt like I was writing a grocery list- they did this and this and this and then they talked about this and it was supposed to be very hot... yaay! I mean I didn't want to make it all about the sex but come on I wrote two sex scenes and it's not even sexy... Anyway as you would see, this one has a little strange format but it's just an one-time experiment (I might use it again if I see the need but after this we'll stick to the original) Enjoy!

P. S. **Bold** even if I had used it before means something (a thought, word, anything) that the past and the present share. _Italic_- past. Normal- present. If you have forgotten.

P. P. S. We do love to hate Jack, don't we.

Firsts, Over And Over Again

"I thought I was going to die," Ianto sobbed that night and Jack's only response was to hold him close.

He had wanted to be alone, having suffered fear he had thought he would never face but the immortal had insisted. As if having that _man _there would make Ianto feel at ease more. As if it would erase the feeling of the cold cleaver digging into his skin, ready to inflict imminent damage and expose his secret. Or maybe not. Maybe today...

"I know, I know." Jack rocked him, kissing his hair. It was the only thing he could think of doing, perhaps. Not very comforting, at least for someone who wasn't Ianto. For the Welshman the sheer fact that the other was there meant more than he could ever describe. A thing he wasn't ready to admit even in the confines of his own mind.

But today he needed more than comfort. He had been so close to losing his life, or even worse and he wanted. He wanted...

"Fuck me," he whispered in the other's ear. He felt Jack freeze so he must have heard him but the immortal made no attempt to follow the other's plea. So he tried again, kissing gently Jack's neck and asking in the most tempting voice he could muster, "Is your offer still available?"

He was playing dirty, referring to their first date that they have wordlessly agreed to never mention again. But it did the trick and that was all that mattered.

"Oh, it is."

Jack kissed him, hard, and so it began.

_Jack was sitting on the sofa, his hands clasped together on his lap and if Ianto was a tad more observant he would have seen the faint tremble. Ten minutes ago the Welshman had phoned him and told him to come to his place as fast as possible. Now Ianto was regretting his choice of words, he didn't even want to think about how fast his lover must have been driving. The fact that the other couldn't die didn't mean he had to _try_._

_"So, I was thinking," Ianto started, keeping a close eye on the other man, who immediately flinched. It was unrealistic how a man that shouldn't be afraid of anything seemed to fear so much his lover's next words. "You really can't die?" he blurted out. He had a well-prepared speech about how much he loved Jack and how he would spend however small fraction of the immortal's life as he was allowed but instead this came out._

_"Yeah." No matter how impossible, Jack ducked his head even lower. "I'm... I'm sorry."_

_"It's not your fault," Ianto raised his voice and was rewarded with a trembling of the other's corners of his mouth. It quickly disappeared, but it had been there. That meant something._

_"It is actually. Kind of." Jack smiled. It was nothing like what Ianto hoped it would look. He scooted over to his lover and gently rested his hand on the man's back. When Jack turned toward him he leaned down and kissed him._

_"Will you make love to me?" Ianto asked when they broke apart and Jack looked far too dazed to say no. Or so the Welshman had thought, but the moment the words left his mouth the other seemed to sober up instantly and he stood up. Ianto quickly followed, jumping on his feet and wrapping his hands around the immortal's waist to keep him from moving away._

_"I know you think I'm not in my right mind to ask for this but that's all I've been thinking about. I want you Jack, I want every minute of my life to be yours. I want to _be_ yours. You may have an eternity but I don't and I won't waste a second of what I have anymore. So please, immortal boy, shut up and kiss me."_

_When Jack relaxed in his hands he knew he had won. They both had. _

The kisses were rough, the touches were anything but gentle. There was no caressing, no unnecessary moves. It was simple, cold and straight to the point.

_Jack was laying kisses down his navel, his hands unstoppable in their travel back and forth the other's sides. Ianto was actually quite ticklish there but that wasn't the reason why he was squirming._

_The immortal was such a gentle lover and Ianto wanted to reciprocate but it had been so long and the way Jack was kissing him under the knee... The only thing he could possibly do was arch his back and hope the noises that were coming from his mouth made any sense. A perfect moment that would never end.  
><em>

**At least Ianto wanted it to be like that.**

_"Jack, Jack," the Welshman moaned when the other bit the insides of his thigh lightly._

_"Yes, love?"_

_"Let me return the gesture. And come kiss me, you big dolt."_

"For someone with only two relationships you are surprisingly good."

The teasing words made Ianto's throat tighten around the other's cock. He tried not to stop, hollowing his cheeks and licking the length like it was the best bloody lollipop he had ever seen. The sounds from above him told him he was on the right track.

He had always known how to pleasure his Jack... and this one wasn't so different. If he closed his eyes it even... his member jumped and his whole body shivered.

So consumed in the sudden desire that enveloped him like a warm blanket he almost missed the 'I'm sorry' moaned his way.

Maybe this Jack wasn't as insensitive as he had thought him to be.

_Ianto hooked his legs around Jack's hips and tried to relax. It was so hard when he was nothing but a hot, trembling mess and the soothing circles his lover was drawing on his thighs didn't help that much._

_"Are you sure you are ready?" Jack questioned and the Welshman felt the sudden desire to kiss away the frown marring the other's features. He did just so. _

_"We could always stop," insisted his lover when Ianto released him, but the only answer he got was an impatient growl and a bucking of hips against his member. "Ianto!"_

_Lucky him that his first man was a complete control-freak, the Welshman mused, suppressing a grin. Instead he teased, "When you asked me if everything was okay the first time, before you gave me the best hand-job of my life, was weird, the second time, before the first finger was touching but right now it's plain annoying. So you better fuck me before I chop off your dick just to see if it would grow again!"_

_And wasn't it sad that after he managed to tame his brain cells long enough to say this the only thing he received for his effort was a giggle and..._

Oh,_ he was definitely lucky._

"Wait," Jack stopped him, strong hands curling around his hips. "Are you sure you are ready?"

Ianto nodded. Even if he hadn't been before, those words were enough to show him that everything was alright. He took out his fingers, his eyes never dropping the darkening orb's of his partner. He had thought he had gotten over his Jack but this... this was showing him the truth.

It was clear that a part of him believed that as long as this man acted like his own, the Jack from his world would never die. And it was so easy to pretend it was true when dark eyes were burning holes in his skin, when hands were guiding his every move, every raise and every fall. And when that member throbbed deep inside of him, ready to mark and claim something that was already his.

_His_.

"Jack," he moaned. His back arched on its own accord, it was on the point of breaking when he felt movement from bellow him. This Jack sitting up causing his cock to ram even deeper inside the Welshman's body and another scream in the form of a name to escape his red lips.

Another man's name.

Sadly, they both realized it.

_Everything was so good, so perfect and special and it didn't take long for either of them to tremble in pleasure so intense it was unfamiliar to them. They arched toward one another, like magnets caught together in a perfect moment, mouths working frantically to capture every sound and whimper and moan that could escape their little bubble._

_Afterwards, they were content with being pressed so close to each other that they shared everything- breath, body heat... love._

_"Do you want something?" Jack was the first one to break the silence, jerking upwards suddenly. "Water, something to eat? Oh, I should probably clean you up a bi..."_

_"The only thing I want is you next to me. We will shower later,"Ianto chuckled. This and a light tug on the other's arm were enough to bring him back to the warm bed and even warmer lover._

_"So we are good?"_

_"Oh, we are better than good."_

"What was your lover's name?" Jack decided to drop the bomb no more than 5 minutes after Ianto had collapsed next to him, a shivering and breathless pile of goo. The question hung in the previously light air, turning it stiff with its intensity. "The one before Lisa."

Usually, Ianto would have ignored the question, but he knew that tone. His Jack had used it when asking something really important and trying to sound casual about it. There was no way the immortal was going to give up without an answer, Ianto knew, and yet he tried anyway.

"It doesn't matter."

"Tell me."

"...Jack."

He had never been able to resist that voice. Even if it made his voice break and his body- tremble.

"So I am just a substitute?"

And the lightness in Jack's tone, this time real, as if he was honestly enjoying this one hurt more than the Welshman was willing to admit. So he lied. Or he didn't. He couldn't really say at that point.

"Yes."

Jack hummed slightly. Stretching his hand, he tucked it bellow the other man's head and dragged him closer. At first Ianto was about to fight it but then a familiar warmth heated his skin and he closed his eyes to stop the tears from falling.

"Just for one second," he mumbled in the other's neck, nails scrapping mindlessly flawless skin.

"I'm comfortable."

"I'm not." And this might have been the most truthful thing he had said the whole night.


	12. Chapter 12

Worst And Best

It was dark. That was the first thing he noticed when he opened his eyes. It always was. There was something on his lap, pressing him down. At first Ianto thought it was metal, like the one that had laid across him in his dream but it was just a blanket. He didn't know whether this made him happy or sad. Both, most probably.

He liked the warmth of the thing covering him but he had never been against feeling his lover hold him down, his fingers sliding across his cheeks, always there even in the darkness. Even when he refused to acknowledge that he was the one moving that hand.

A foreign sound tore him away from his memories and he willed himself to search for it. In the end it turned out it wasn't something he had never heard- just his mobile ringing. It must have been the thing that had woken him up, he mused as he reached for it.

He listened to the other side, then put the telephone back on its place.

He had liked the darkness, it had enveloped him, welcoming and cold and familiar. Nice and safe, as ironic as that was.

'She..."

Oh well, he had to take a shower now, didn't he. There was so much to do and there was nothing better than starting the day with cold water cleansing his body from dirt, sweat, memories. Ignoring the empty bottle of pills- he couldn't even remember the name of it and he had bought it yesterday, he made his way to the bathroom.

"She is..."

He should tell Jack about the black-outs, though, the other should know how to help him. They were starting to get shorter and shorter which could mean that Ianto was starting to get the hang of it. Which honestly scared him to death. Well, not literally. He wanted to laugh at his own joke but then people on the street would watch him even more strangely than now.

"She is g..."

Still, there was the possibility that Jack won't believe him, laugh at him and next thing he knows would be a group of people forcing him into a hug-yourself type of shirt. Which, okay, he liked himself but no. Not when he knew what happens once you find yourself surrounded by people dressed in the same way. Or worse, the immortal would believe him. And then. Well, Ianto had no idea what would happen but it won't be them riding into the sunset on a white horse.

"She is go..."

Owen and Gwen were sharing guilty looks and Tosh was doing anything she could not to be in their company. It didn't take a genius to figure it out. Especially not when you have seen the footage. Although Jack was still as obvious as always. Ianto sometimes admired him. Maybe mostly when his big smile and innuendoes were turned the Welshman's way.

"You free tonight?" was the first thing that left the immortal's mouth when Ianto walked in his office to collect the empty cups.

Sure, he was. After all

"She is gon..."

drinking whatever booze you had first laid your eyes on, watching crappy TV and popping a pill every 10 minutes wasn't a real plan. He nodded.

"Cool. I'll be waiting here when the others leave. Bring me some coffee, would you?"

"Yes, Jack." He smiled. The only thing he had left from his former lover, his soul-mate and he dirtied it like that. Yet, it felt so good on his tongue and even better when it didn't ring in an empty room, but was directed to a man, to a Jack!

All he had to do was ignore his teammates, pretend not to see the twinkling of Jack's eyes every time the man looked at him and keep his mind clear.

"She is gone, Yan."

The statement rang clear in his mind and he almost dropped the cups. No! No, she wasn't. That wasn't his mother, the woman that called him and told him this in a cold voice before hanging up wasn't his sister. They were strangers, both of them, and he couldn't really blame Rhy for acting so cold after everything he had gone through to avoid meeting them.

But even if they hadn't been his true siblings... they were the only one left. His own ones were dead, buried in the remains of a broken world. And sometimes, just for a second, he wished he was with them. With Him.

That was the reason why he had avoided Rhy and his mother. He was beyond scared that they will take one look at him and just... know. And there was nothing like your mother watching you with empty eyes, hatred clear, as she was calling you a stranger, a freak. Ianto could feel his heart breaking just imagining it, he didn't want to think what would happen if it became reality.

It didn't matter now.

All he had to do was ignore his teammates, pretend not to see the twinkling of Jack's eyes every time the man looked at him and keep his mind clear. Turn a blind eye to the pain piercing every inch of his body.

Ianto turned toward Tosh, smiling,

"I'm about to brew some of Jack's industrial strength coffee. Would you like a cup?"

_Being Jack's lover had taught Ianto many things. Never walk alone at night. Never ever talk to strangers, especially one you have met while walking alone at night. And his favourite one- waking up with chaste kisses being pressed on your throat meant sex. Not that he minded, not one bit._

_"Jack," he sighed, twisting his head in a blind search for the other's lips, too lazy to open his eyes still._

_Luckily, the other man took pity on him and seconds later his lips were pressed against something soft and warm tongue was probing his mouth._

_Ianto let himself be turned on the other side to face his lover. Hands were caressing every inch of his body and he could do nothing but shudder with delight and thank whatever deity was listening that Jack was from the people that didn't need coffee to wake up in the morning. The Welshman, on the other hand, was, but he was slowly yet surely breaking that habit. Especially when Jack was making such convincing arguments for it._

_His lover pressed their bodies together, rocking them back and forth gently. There wasn't enough friction, even when Ianto's cock was rubbing against the other's firm stomach he wanted so much more. _

_"In me," he gasped after a particularly long kiss. "Please, Jack."_

_The only answer he got was a deep chuckle and all of a sudden he was on his back, legs bent and open. Soft and pliant just as Jack liked him, just like the Welshman loved to be for him. The kisses didn't stop, lips slid with such inhuman gentleness over his flushed lips and yet his mind zeroed only on the finger pushing slowly into him. _

_He winced, he couldn't help it. Just a small twitch of his face, his eyes shutting tight for a second. Jack caught it anyway and all movements, pleasure stopped. _

_"Still sore from last night?" the immortal asked softly, hands caressing his cheek. Ianto leaned into the touch, nodding before he could help himself. It wasn't that he wanted them to stop or that he couldn't survive a few short seconds of pain in the sake of their pleasure, and he opened his mouth to say just that._

_When it was brought to his attention that the hand cradling his cheek was suddenly gone, dripping with lube in less than 10 seconds and... disappearing behind Jack. The time it took Ianto to understand what was going on was embarrassingly long, but once he did, just in time to catch his lover dragging his legs together and lowering on his far-better-in-figuring-out-everything-than-his-brain stiff dick, his whole body froze and his mouth watered so much he was scared he might drown._

_Ianto watched as Jack lifted himself, muscles tensing from the effort, then let himself drop on the Welshman's lap. His red, angry cock bouncing with the movements, slapping against his stomach. And if that_  
><em>wasn't enough to drive Ianto insane, there was the heat, the tightness and those brilliant blue eyes clouded with lust and staring down at him.<em>

_"Not that I don't find you sexy just laying there like a big log, but I would love it if you helped me a bit," Jack teased all of a sudden, never ceasing his movements and Ianto cursed inwardly. How was he supposed to talk... to _think_ when the most beautiful man was there, hard and wanton because of him?!_

_Probably sensing his inner turmoil, Jack swayed down so their faces were only inches apart and told him something. What, however, Ianto couldn't for the life of him figure out. The moment his lover was so close his senses were suddenly attacked by that wonderful smell he had once, long long ago, thought was an aftershave._

_Jack, bless him and his perceptive soul, immediately backed away with a smirk. "Baby steps." _

_Ianto nodded, baby steps._

_But the body in front of him was so beautiful, so perfect and he couldn't do anything but admire it in fear of dirtying it._

_"Touch me, angel," the immortal breathed out. His back was arched, all that flawless skin there on display for the other to marvel at, touch, taste. And Ianto was only human, he could never resist something so god-like._

_His hands, already embarrassingly ahead of his brain, were running over the tight muscles, nails leaving red marks and fingers squeezing so hard there might be bruises later on. On top of him Jack was twitching and moaning, his head tilted on one side and eyes rolling backwards._

_A thought penetrated his lust-hazed mind. 'He had done that.' The realization did strange things to his body. His hips snapped upwards, the sudden desire to just throw Jack down the bed and thrust into his willing body grew even bigger, he could taste it in his mouth, when the immortal growled and his eyes snapped open to meet the Welshman's heated gaze._

_Ianto returned the little smile sent his way with a smirk, far too feral for the occasion. Or maybe not- after all, what more basic than the need to claim, mark your love._

_Encouraged by the delighted laugh that ripped out of his lover's mouth when he reversed their places, Ianto curled his hands around Jack's torso to lift his hips and begun _thrusting_._

_Later on, they laid tucked in bed, sweaty and warm, Ianto's head nestled in the crook of the immortal's neck. The only sound between them being their shallow breaths and a few awed chuckles when each of them remembered the past hour or so, everything was simply perfect._

_"Jack," Ianto tried suddenly. He waited for the man in question to answer, which came by the form of a hum. "Today is my mother's birthday and I was wondering if you wanted to come."_

_"Oh?" was the other man's short response and Ianto finally looked up from his comfortable spot. He had told himself to act cool and collected and not to pressure Jack but there was no way they were having that conversation not face to face._

_"She has wanted to meet you since... forever," he said, meaning every word and trying to show it. A cloud passed over Jack's face, fast enough for Ianto to wonder if he had imagined it._

_"I'd love to."_

_If it wasn't for those words, of course, or rather the tone they were spoken with. The other man was saying it as if Ianto had asked him to jump off a cliff. That was okay, the immortal was allowed to refuse. But why was he lying?_

_"There is no problem if you don't want to."_

_The Welshman smiled slightly. There wasn't, really. After all they had never discussed it, so he had no right to demand such a thing._

_"No, no." The voice was flat, the eyes- lost in the distance. Ianto hid a wince. "I want to, just. Well. Who would they meet?"_

_"Who do you want them to meet, Jack?" Ianto hissed. Somewhere in the back of his head one voice whispered that there must be some misunderstanding. They must be having two completely different conversations because Jack couldn't be ashamed of him, he wasn't that kind of a man. The other, bigger, part of him was content with shooting daggers at the suddenly uncomfortable Jack._

_"It doesn't matter what I want now, does it?"_

_"I'm sorry." The words, gritted through clenched teeth, were colder than ice. Still, he meant it. As he had told himself before, it was okay. It wasn't his place to decide something that would affect them as a couple. "Next time I'll ask whether it bothers you."_

_"And what if it does bother me, huh? What if I don't want to be 'my friend here Jack" or "roommate Jack"? What would happen then?"_

_"What?"_

_They stared at each other, bewildered, as silence grew between them. Something flickered in Jack's eyes and he threw his head back, laughing, Ianto soon following suit. It was almost surreal, the way they had understood each other with no words needed. If it was possible he felt his love toward the other man grow. And it had little to none connection with the fact that they were both morons._

_"We are fools, aren't we," Jack laughed, tugging his lover down from the sitting position he had assumed somewhere in the middle of their argument._

_"Yup. But," and Ianto had no idea how to say that without sounding as if he was already regretting it. "If you don't want anyone knowing about this, about _us_ please just say so."_

_Jack just dragged him closer, pressing a soft kiss on his temple, "Never, my love."_


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N **I more or less hibernated through the whole winter but fear not! I'm back and I come bearing gifts. I hope you like them!

'I Love You' In Two Languages

Ianto's eyes narrowed when they landed on the couple a few meters ahead of him. He wasn't jealous, that was entirely Jack's thing but he couldn't help but pull a face every time his lover, _his _lover, joked with the other man. Alien. A very attractive alien. That had simply appeared one day in his cafe, with his striped brown suit and ruffled hair and blue, of every possible colour, tie. An alien that had introduced himself as the Doctor, after spending an eternity squeezing the living shit out of Jack and had asked them if they wanted to see "his space ship".

It sounded so much like a line from a bad porn. Except it wasn't because Jack had assured him that their relationship wasn't "like that". Besides, the Doctor had a _mate _and Jack had... well, he had Ianto (his words exactly). And apparently the Welshman was the only one among them all with a problem with that arrangement.

"Something wrong, dear boy?" He heard the words, spoken in that annoying drawl, and the tweaking of crushed sticks, before he even saw the body, with an even more hideous suit and a marred-with-a-creepy-smile face.

"Nothing. Just, you know, my immortal boyfriend, that works for a secret agency which is "beyond the government" and hunts creatures from my worst nightmares apparently has a time traveling alien as a friend. Everything is peachy."

Yes, nothing out of the ordinary.

...That was his life now.

For a while only the crunching of the leaves bellow their feet interrupted the silence. "And don't call me boy."

The creepy smile twitched.

"And what bothers you more- the alien or the time traveling part?"

"Neither. I have had enough time to deal with the idea of extraterrestrial life and the time traveling... well, it's perfectly normal to exist- after all, even if it was created a million years in the future due to its essence we will still be affected."

A second after he had said all of this, he flushed. He had spent a lot of time, mainly while Jack and that _Doctor_ made eyes at each other, to mule over the situation and this had been the only explanation he had. That, however, didn't mean he had to go around and give it to someone who was just looking for a way to make fun of him. A person who, if it hadn't been made obvious, was the Master exactly.

But instead of a sneer or the pitiful look people wore right before they claimed you were an idiot, the brown-haired man was looking at him with a completely blank face,

"I see now why Jack likes you," he finally murmured, no trace of the patronizing undertones that Ianto had thought were a constant in his speech. "So I'm guessing you are bothered by their closeness?"

Later, Ianto would have blamed that look on the other's face for his decision to nod.

"Yeah... Me too. But don't worry. They are idiots, but they are our idiots."

Just then said idiots came running, their faces lit up, similar to kids that have opened their Christmas gifts early. Only if, you know, those presents have been a really big, scaringly resembling a dinosaurs', egg.

"What did you do?" frowned the Master, like the mother, who had seen her children open their presents.

"Well. Good news is we found dinner." Jack smiled brightly, swinging the egg slightly. The grin was only slightly dimmed by a rawr that sounded through the forest and made a few birds leave their places on the trees' branches. "Bad news is... its mother found us, as well."

So that was how Ianto Jones spent his first day meeting the Doctor- being chased by a dinosaur. Still, it was remarkable what sort of wonders those kind of things did to a relationship. And once the Welshman realized the insane alien wasn't after his boyfriend, he was even more ready to help him escape a blood-thirsty beast.

Not that Ianto would have let it eat him if the Doctor had had feelings for Jack. He liked to think he was a better person than that.

When, a few hours later, with bellies full of eggs, they waved goodbye to the police box, Ianto didn't regret in the slightest his decision to follow his lover on that adventure.

"It was fun, wasn't it?" Jack turned toward him, beaming, and Ianto could only nod.

They started walking, hand in hand. It was peaceful, with no people around, since it was already dark. It _was_ a little cold, though, and Ianto shivered, just once, just slightly, but it was enough to make Jack stop suddenly, shrug off his own coat and cover the other's shoulders with it.

Ianto opened his mouth to thank him but something caught his eyes. He stared at it for half a second and then an entirely different thing left his mouth.

"I love you."

Because here was this man, this gorgeous, clever, brave man. So new and different that treated him like a china doll. The one that had introduced him to so much wonderful things and after that, unnoticed, had walked him to his own apartment. Who had given him his jacket when they were standing right in front of Ianto's home just because he had shivered, with no regard for his comfort or well-being.

And Ianto did. He loved him so much and he had for so long.

"I love you too," Jack whispered against his mouth gently, eyes sparkling more than they had through the whole day, before he planted a chaste kiss.

And love, as Ianto found out soon after, was all about the small things. Like giving your lover your jacket when you would need it more or snuggling in front of the TV and letting them watch their favourite shows even though you hated it. Or even sleeping together, spooned so close you were like glued, murmuring "I love you" whenever it crossed your mind.

...Just because you could.

_The thrusts were shallow, gentler, and Ianto couldn't have hated it more. He pressed back, his hips rolling. That seemed enough, because Jack complied- he moved faster, harder, deeper and it made Ianto unable to do anything but moan, head falling on his arms and eyes rolling back._

_He was on his hands and knees with Jack behind him- his favourite position of late. He could sense it was bothering the other man, he had always managed to do that, thus the immortal was trying to bring some intimacy in their sex life. _

_Not that Ianto minded that much, he was more annoyed by the fact the man would rather sneak tender kisses and caresses in their bed than face him with the problem. It irritated him to no end but simultaneously made him want to hold Jack near and smother him in an embrace. Which in turn made him even more angry and even more tender._

_A particular hard thrust made him yelp, his head shooting up and hands clutching desperately the sheets._

_"Like that, baby?" A raspy voice came from behind him and he felt a warm body press along his back and an even warmer mouth shower his neck and shoulders with kisses._

_Ianto, if he could, would have responded rather harshly to the endearment. At least he liked to believe so. Nobody could really know because as it was, he could only shiver in need and try to move even faster. When Jack clutched his head and twisted it so he could gain access to his mouth, the Welshman again didn't utter a word. His only response to the way the immortal slid his hands over his body, fingers pinching rosy buds and caressing tender skin, far too slowly for his own comfort, were breathless moans._

_And when Jack got up from the bed, minutes after they have finished, with the clear intent to go home like every other night since they have started all of this... Ianto stopped him._

_It was the closest he would get to saying "I love you."_

_Not that Jack seemed to mind._


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N** I know what you are thinking right now- Why is the damn chapter so short? How did she manage to fit the present and the past in around one hundred words?! Well... I didn't. That's just one part of the chapter, but since I'm a horrible human being and a tease (and since there are revelations in this chapter and even more in the next one) I give you the first part now and the second one- in a week. God, you are going to hate me... Enjoy!

The Beginning Of The End...

Ianto should have known it wouldn't last. Because he _couldn't _be happy, right? That was simply not his life.

But to think that after all the pain and the grief, after all it had taken him to admit that maybe he wouldn't be that indifferent if something happened to Jack and he never opened his eyes again. After the days he spent mourning his own Jack, feeling him slowly fade from his memories and, more importantly, letting him go... he had to be revealed as a fraud now? By a tin machine that could barely walk?! He couldn't decide what was worst as he stared at the thing slowly creeping towards them, his palm sweating in Jack's grip.

It had started as an ordinary night, it was Tuesday and although a little altered, they had kept their tradition of spending it together. They had been to a restaurant, where they had discussed stupid little things like movies and books and the last rumours that were circling the Hub, concerning their relationship. Then they had decided to walk through the park, hand in hand, even if that had been entirely Jack's decision. However, Ianto hadn't stopped him and that was saying so much.

And in a few minutes it would be over, all of it, his life, his temporary... bliss... the relationship he had just started to enjoy.

The Cyberman got closer and Jack gripped his hand.

"Stay behind me," the immortal whispered, tugging him slightly, but Ianto was too far gone in his shock. When he realized that the unresponsiveness wouldn't disappear with the help of a few stronger shakes, Jack quickly let go of the other's hand and pushed him behind him.

"You... will... be... deleted." The Cyberman could barely talk, it was that weak and powerless, had probably fallen from the rift, all alone, and yet his voice alone was enough to make Ianto whimper.

As soon as Jack heard it, he reached back and entwined their fingers together. Poor fool, he thought that would help him, Ianto almost snorted. But it was nice- the warmth. Yes, he was glad his Jack was an idiot.

But someone else had too heard the whimper and it had managed to catch its attention. The Cyberman stopped abruptly, eyes as if fixed on Ianto, or what was visible from Jack's body, protectively covering him.

"Ianto Jones," it said, its previous stuttering long since forgotten," Favourite colour- red, most preferred beverage- tea with two sugars. Likes long walks in parks and being kissed behind his..." Suddenly, it stopped talking, the words getting replaced by buzzing that got louder and louder with every second.

"I can't give them that, Yan, a cyberman that will never die. So please just k..."

And that was everything Ianto needed to hear. The words and the voice they were spoken into, the memories it brought and the tears and the loneliness. He shook his head, as if to chase it all away, and when it didn't work he turned around...

And run and run and run.

He didn't remember how he got home or what he did once there, he would have found it difficult to say if he had even removed his shoes, if asked. But the knock on the door made him shake off his stupor. He slowly stood up, feeling his legs tingle, he must have been out for long, and headed for the door.

"Thank God!" Jack exclaimed as soon as they were face to face. "I've been knocking for over half an hour. If it weren't for your neighbour, I would have given up thousands of times already."

Ianto tried to respond, but found out his throat was too sore. He cleared it. "Go away, Jack." Even now the words were barely audible and sounding pathetic. Maybe because he, himself, was feeling that way.

"Not before you tell me what was that, I will not!"

"It's none of your business." It sounded clearer now, his voice, and Ianto would have smiled if he had the energy to. Jack brushed against him as he entered his home, uninvited, and Ianto sighed. It wasn't that easy to get rid of the immortal, he should have suspected it. He slid a hand over his face which led to the realization he had tears steaming down his eyes. Huh.

"Of course it's my business when my co-workers have mental breakdowns after meeting the freaking Tin Man."

"That's _all_ I am, huh, Jack? A co-worker?" the Welshman snarled. He didn't mean it, of course he didn't. He was okay with that fact, he had worked so hard on keeping it the truth. So why did he break down when Jack cuddled him, whispering softly in his ear,

"You know you are not."

Why, after hours of sharing body heat and lazy kisses on the sofa, he didn't object to the gentle way Jack made love to him? And why did he, for the first time, refuse to utter his lover's name in the throes of passion that night?


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N** I feel so empty now. In a matter of minutes you will know... almost everything. And it was so fun teasing you. Now it's all over! Well, we have a couple more chapters to go, you don't know _everything_, but... Yeah, well, enjoy it.

...Or How It All Begun

They stared at each other, wordlessly, faces blank as they waited for the other to crack.

"Jack?" Ianto finally tried slowly.

"Yes, love?" the other replied, as calmly.

"There is a ghost... in our kitchen."

"I can see that, my dear."

Another minute passed in stillness. The men shared another empty look, before they both exclaimed in one voice, "What the bloody hell?"

Jack rushed toward his phone, which proved to be quite the challenge, considering it was in his pants, and that part of his clothing he hadn't seen since last night, Ianto trailing behind him, nagging,

"This is all Torchwood, isn't it? What did you do, Jack?"

"Nothing!... I think." The immortal's head shot up, from where he had bent it over his pants, that he had finally found behind the sofa. After a few seconds of contemplation, he shook it decisively. "Nah, that could have blown the Sun."

Ianto's eyes widened, before he shook his head in exasperation and just a tad fondness.

"So what is this then?"

"I have no idea. But I'll find out very soon." He finally fished his phone out of his pockets and fingers dancing over the buttons, he headed for the kitchen again. But not before planting a kiss on his lover's nose and whispering, "Don't worry, Yan."

Ianto huffed, arms crossing in front of his chest, but he didn't argue. Jack would take care of this, like he always did. He didn't have to worry, not with a man like that by his side. His arms fell on his sides and another sigh passed his lips as he decided to clean up. He felt stupid, like a bloody housewife but there was no way he could help. This alien thing was entirely Jack's business, he could only be there morally- not something that mattered. In most cases, actually, he would be in the way.

A scream from the kitchen made him drop everything and run. And it took all of his self-control not to yelp himself at the sight that greeted him in the room.

There was no longer a ghost there and he had to be grateful, yes, sure, but something else had taken its place. A metal man was standing, so much resembling a robot, yet the Welshman had never seen something like that.

"J...ack," he stuttered and the man in question tensed.

"For god's sake, Yan, get back in the living room," Jack yelled, without even looking at him.

"But _what _is that?!" If he was thinking clearly, he would have already run away, dragging his lover with him, but he couldn't- his mind too paralyzed with shock.

"Cyberman! Yan, please, listen to me, this is dangerous! You have to get out of here."

The Cyberman was already moving, little jerky moves of his hands and feet- and if it wasn't for the panic seeping from Jack's voice as he talked about it, Ianto would have found it funny- the way the machine was creeping towards them

"Captain... Jack... Harkness," it rasped out and its metal voice sent shivers down the Welshman's spine.

"W...what?"

"They have a collective consciousness- what one of them knows, they all do. And I fought one. Long ago."

Jack shook his head slightly, finally turning around to face his lover. His eyes were wild, pupils dilated, sweat marring his forehead and he was shaking all over.

"They know, about my immortality. They know. So... go, they are more interested in me. They won't pay you any mind."

"Go where? Without you?" Ianto was trembling too, but the mere thought of leaving his Jack in the hands of those _things _made his stomach turn.

He almost blacked out when seconds later his thoughts turned from metaphorical to the bare truth. While they had been talking, the Cyberman had slowly made its way toward them and now its silver hand was squeezing Jack's shoulder. Painfully, if the wince was an indicator.

"You will be upgraded."

"Go," the immortal grit through clenched teeth.

"You are insane! I'm not leaving you here. What are they going to do to you?"

"Turn me into one of them."

"And you are willing to do it just so I can have the chance to escape? You, you stupid, selfless, pra..."

He couldn't even complete his insult, the sound of the front door being kicked down drowning everything. Oh, it was personal now.

Jack winced, partly because of the tightening of the Cyberman's hold... but mostly because of the revelation that Ianto couldn't escape now.

"Captain Jack Harkness, you will be upgraded," was heard from the hall. The creatures approaching them were obviously farther down the recovery path than the one with them if they didn't have any problem with the long sentence.

The footsteps were coming closer, heavy and loud, but they had been mistaken- the Cybermen were still not fully recovered. They had a few more minutes, not that it changed their situation in any way.

Oblivious to its...brother's?... condition, the Cyberman who was with them removed its hand. And apparently Jack had been waiting just for that, he launched forward, arms wrapping around Ianto's torso. As if he would have tried to escape.

"I'm sorry, my love. I'm so _so _sorry," he uttered and then kissed him. The Welshman thought it was a goodbye kiss and his insides twisted with how desperate and needy it was. And in a way it was... their last kiss. But it had nothing to do with death, not really.

Later on, he understood Jack's apology, but it took him so long to accept it completely.

The kiss was broken far too soon for their liking, but it didn't matter- what Jack had attempted had already been done. The Cybermen, three, although they had sounded like a horde when they had been approaching, had finally managed to reach the kitchen. One of them gathered Ianto and threw him in the far corner, while the others circled his lover.

The Welshman groaned, feeling just dull pain where his head had collided with the wall, but nothing more. Somewhere deep inside he knew the hit should have killed him, the force with which he had been thrown had been too big. Fortunately, his whole being was too busy trembling from the memory of the tingling he had felt during the kiss to notice that strange fact.

The first scream reached his ears and made him shiver, hot tears burning his eyes. He couldn't help, that was the worst thing, what killed him slowly. He had to stand there and watch his Jack being turned into a cold-hearted machine. Had to listen to his screams of pain and in the rare moments when it was bearable enough for his lover to speak, the even more hurting words,

"It will be alright, Yan."

Even in moments like this the other man was thinking about him, it only managed to make his tears fall harder and the shivers, wrecking his body- stronger.

At some point a Cyberman headed his way and Ianto couldn't even muster the strength to tense. They could kill him, he couldn't care less, there was nothing that would hurt more than what he was forced to endure.

But with one word out of Jack's mouth, it stopped. The man was their future king, the one who would lead them to greatness, that would make them rulers of the universe. Of course it did.

Not sure if he had to be grateful for that, Ianto curled into a ball, trying to block the sounds as much as possible. Memories of their time together passed through his mind, the movies they had seen together, the lazy Sundays they had spent in bed, sharing body heat and soft kisses.

The happiness in those vibrant blue eyes as they stared at him, not so dull and empty as the Cyberman was cutting so clo... Ianto squeezed his eyes shut, frame rocking back and forth rapidly.

An eternity later, it was over. A Cyberman, bigger and brighter than the others was standing on his lover's place and Ianto bit back a whimper.

"All of you- out," it commanded and they followed the order immediately, slipping out of room, one by one. If Ianto didn't know any better, he would have said there was glee in their eyes.

As soon as they were out, the Cyberman was on him. Ianto found it so hard not to flinch back and a sound resembling a sigh left the machine's mouth.

"It's still me, love," it whispered, words spoken as gently as it was possible in its metal voice.

"I'm sorry for what I did. For cursing you like this."

The Welshman just shook his head, he was beginning to understand what had happened and even though his stomach turned by the mere idea...

"It was the best you could do. Do they... know?" he questioned, voice barely above a whisper as his hands gathered cold metal and pressed it against his heated cheeks.

"Not yet. But I can't block them forever. Sooner or later, they will find out and the process... it can be reversed. It will kill you, not that they will care. Not that..._ I_will care. And I can't give them that, Yan, a Cyberman that will never die. So please just kill me. You have to."

Ianto's heart was thumping against his skull, he wanted to throw up... he nodded. The man had done so much for him, had been so strong, protecting him, thinking about him in his weakest moment. And it was his turn, now.

"How?" he asked quietly.

"Gold. You need gold."

The Welshman needed a few seconds to gather his mind and when he did, his hands curled tighter around already warm metal and, placing a chaste kiss on an unfeeling mouth, stood up.

His legs almost gave out but he regained his balance almost immediately. He was not a housewife, he was not useless. He was going to help, even if it killed him.

And apparently he was damn lucky, as well. The bedroom, where he had hidden something... golden... was just across the hall and the machines, bless their empty heads, had decided to wait outside. He sneaked inside, heart hammering so loud he was afraid someone would hear him, and walked the oh-so-familiar path toward his socks drawer.

He found it for seconds, he had done this every day for months now. He knew, cliche, stupid, it was the main reason why Jack still hadn't found it. Ianto curled his fingers around it, it felt so big now, so heavy. As if burning his skin.

A ring that would have joined them for life- Ianto's life, now instead would separate them for an eternity. How ironic was that?

Besides, now eternity had an entirely different meaning.

"So, that's what you have been hiding there? I _thought _you were far more obsessed with your socks than usual!" someone said from behind him and the Welshman tensed. His body first registered the voice and then the words behind it. When everything shifted in one place, he turned around, teeth sinking into his lower lip.

"I..."

"Don't," the Cybe... Jack cut him off. Ianto would have given his everything to be able to stare at the handsome face that he knew so well and the little, sad smile he was sure it would have been marring it, instead of this blank metal. "It's the best you can do."

They stared at each other for a while, so much things that they could say passing through their minds yet nothing pass their lips. But they didn't have time to waste, they both knew that.

Ianto took a couple of steps forward, slower than he had intended. He used the time to picture his Jack, not that machine, standing before him. They were standing in a park, their favourite, near the statue of an angel and he had finally gathered his courage. He fell on one knee and asked around his smile,

"Jack Harkness, will you marry me?"

Jack nodded, words failing him, but his eyes were sparkling and that was enough. He extended his hand and the Welshman grasped it, it was colder than he had thought it would be. But delving on that thought would have ruined it so he didn't, he just slipped the ring where it belonged and... and the whole ground started shaking.

His lover fell down, right beside him, yet it was no longer his lover but a machine. A gasping for life machine that was his Jack, that curled heavy metal arms around him. His Jack.

"I'll make sure they don't bother anyone again. Just... let me go. When the time comes... You are so much better than this, my love. You deserved more. I lov..."

It was all the other man, yes, he was a man, not a bloody machine, could say before something happened. As if someone had pressed the off button on a computer, he just... stopped. And Ianto knew he would never go again.

He would never smile, he would never laugh. He would never tell him he loved him again.

When the buzzing sound started, seconds after his love had left him, he knew what he had to do. He had time to let Jack go. If he wanted to.

Instead, he just curled closer in his embrace and waited.

He waited for so _long_.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N **First, yes, I know the title is so bad but I couldn't help it! It sounded so funny! Which was so not the point of the whole chapter but... yeah... **  
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Second, I don't remember if I told you so if I'm repeating myself- I'm sorry, but there will be no more flashbacks. Yep, it's over, there is just one storyline to follow right now. This takes place after the first season, when the Master is taking over the planet. _"Oh, and you can tell Handsome Jack that I've sent his little gang off on a wild goose chase to the Himalayas"-_ a quote from the TV show. I just took it and ran with it. Enjoy!

Just Because I'm Dead Doesn't Mean We Shouldn't Be Friends

In retrospect, Ianto should have realized sooner that it was a trap. Honestly, how nobody had suspected a phone call from Jack, who just for the record had been missing for a _month_, telling them he was stuck on the Himalayas, of all places, was just beyond him.

What really hurt, though, was the fact that even he hadn't figured it out. No, of course not. He had been too scared, consumed by the horrible thought of Jack being in danger. So it figures that it took a fall, a slip, because he was so exhausted, for him to come tumbling on the ground and hit his head on a rock.

Not a very dignifying way to die, he had to admit.

Still, not his worst.

The familiar darkness surrounded him, quicker than he had expected yet it was okay. That meant no pain. He had always feared the darkness, one way or another. Not because of what it symbolized, he knew he was coming back, or the memories it always provoked- it was that similar to the one in which he had spent centuries. He had always wondered if it was the same.

But there was one little part of his brain that never ceased screaming, "Look out. There is someone there!"

There always was. He just pretended he had someone to hold onto when he was here, unseeing and terrified, praying that this time he will be faster than the creature, that he will slip its grasp once again. Or not. God knew how many times he had wished it to be over, back when he didn't see the point. Not now, though, now he had something, _someone_, to live for.

_"Then tell me, Ianto Jones, are you afraid of the darkness?"_

The whisper of a voice crept in his mind and he trembled. Time Lords were a wise race, yes, they knew a little about a lot of things. But no one could have the power of a paradox if they weren't one.

Because here, in the darkness, there was nothing hidden. Here you remembered every day of your life with clarity, it was its way of torture. Even the memories forcefully removed from you found a way back. Always did. He should know, long ago he had used it as a way to relive his moments with Jack. Mostly to punish himself.

Ianto came to life with a sharp intake of breath. He looked around fervently as his whole body tried to adjust at once and his eyes fell on the little group of people gathered around him. Tosh was crying, there were strains on her cheeks. Gwen was wrapped around her, looking equally miserable and even Owen looked sad.

The next moment, it was all gone, wiped from their faces and replaced by relief on the girls' part and suspicion on Owen's.

"Ianto!" Tosh shrieked as she let go of the other woman and tried to jump in his arms. Yet someone was holding her back and Ianto's heart almost stopped again from the coldness of the glare leveled at him.

"Don't touch it. He was dead, I checked his pulse. Whatever this thing is, it's no longer Ianto Jones."

Tosh went still at that statement, the struggle leaving her almost as fast as the Welshman's mind was trying to work, and stared at him with wide and fearful eyes. It hurt even more than the other man's words.

"Look..." he began. He tried to lift himself from the ground, the cold was unbearable and he hardly wanted to die in front of them again, but the gun pointed immediately at his head told him he could stand it a little longer. "It's not what you think."

"What I think is that I should push you off that cliff and see if you can revive with your brain all over your hair," Owen didn't miss the opportunity to snarl. Despite all their teasing and arguments Ianto had never before seen such blatant hate in the other's eyes.

"I can," he almost said, because he had tried. He doubted there was a man on this earth or on any other that wanted to see him dead as much as he had, once upon a time. But he managed to stop himself just in time, he didn't want to provoke them.

"It's hard to explain," he said instead." But I'm still me! Nothing had changed. I'm still able to make the best coffee in the world and prefer suits to anything else. I still know about the red thongs incident, Owen."

Any other time, that remark would have given him a colleague as red as the colour of the fore mentioned underwear, yet now all he received was a raised eyebrow and a stony face. That was not good.

Although in some twisted sense he was glad. At least now he knew his team wasn't that helplessly trusting.

"Then start explaining!"

The gun twitched up and then down again as if to urge him as well.

"It's a long story."

"It's a long road. We have time."

Ianto sighed and shook his head. He scrambled to his feet, mindless of the weapon ready to inflict damage any moment. It wasn't that he didn't believe Owen would shoot, because the other man would, he could see it in his eyes, if only to protect the other two, who were still looking like deer caught in the headlight. But they didn't have time now, he remembered clearly. They had to head back or they would die.

All of them.

"We don't have oxygen. Besides there is something more important that we have to do."

Hours later, when they saw, or rather heard, a helicopter above their heads that made their hearts leap, Owen was still pointing a gun at the Welshman's head.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N** Well, let us all say goodbye to the canon. Bye bye canon, bye bye sanity. Since this is a spin-off to a fic of mine (Wronging Rights or Righting Wrongs) which takes place during the "year that never was"(yep, I know I have told you but listen, that is important!) So the main point is in this fic the Master releases Jack because of... reasons. You will understand everything, don't worry. For now- Enjoy!

You

"We have to kill him," insisted Owen for the n-th time, his voice getting even more piercing and loud as he realized nobody was paying him any attention.

"Why?"Ianto finally piped up, the slight tremor of his hands around the tray the only implication of how uncomfortable he felt joining the conversation.

But as it was the norm this days, the only answer he received was a glare and a raised eyebrow. How could have he dared speaking, after all. He wasn't even... yeah.

He had to bite his lips to keep the sad smile from showing. At least they knew now, he didn't have to keep it a secret any longer. They knew everything. His sharp teeth sunk into his lips even deeper... he couldn't deny he liked the pain.

"Anything else you want to share with the class, tea boy," Owen snapped at him. It was the first thing he had said to him, directly, that didn't involve his preference for his coffee or food. Ianto was almost ashamed of the amount of happy that made him. So happy, that before he could respond with anything, the other man was already firing an insult, that wouldn't have hurt as much as it did if he hadn't, for just one moment, left his guards down.

"Did you hide the Master in our basement as well."

His heart skipped a beat, the response, as sharp as his teeth, on the tip of his tongue.

It was weird, though. That he had needed that to snap. All this time he dealt with the ignoring and the glares with no problem. Sure, it stung, it made the heart they all thought he had lost after the first time he had died clench. But he never raised his voice, never dropped the act of the good little servant. Never showed them how much it hurt.

And yet, when they proposed to hurt the Master, he reacted. A man who he barely knew, except of a mirror reflection of him in a different world, a man who had enslaved the whole planet... and he wanted to save him.

The only man that had found out about his secret and never thought him a freak. The only man that ever will.

His heart clenched again at that. No! Jack was going to understand. They were the same. He wasn't going to think of it as betrayal, because it wasn't. He had just... kept it to himself.

And maybe that was the reason he finally cracked, maybe the reminder that he _was_ a freak and nobody, nobody but the Master, and how sad was that, would understand. He didn't know, nor did he care as he was screaming at them, all of his pain and sorrow, hidden from view for years, leaving his mouth.

He was in the middle of screaming about something when all of them just... went still. For a second, one blissful blink of an eye, he thought that maybe, maybe they had finally understood. They felt bad, he had managed to reach them and now they were all goi... How stupid. You can't change people.

Ianto realized that when he heard footsteps behind him before two hands wrapped around his waist. Nice hands, familiar. He was starting to feel he might have a heart attack, what with the number of times his heart had skipped a beat today.

Had he heard? Did he _know_? The questions crept in the Welshman's mind like an unwanted visitor before being chased away. No. He wouldn't be hugging him, touching him, if he knew.

Wonder why he didn't feel better from that revelation.

But worry quickly replaced everything as millions of questions bombarded Ianto's mind again. Are you okay? Where have you been all this time?! It was the Master, wasn't it? But how did you escape? Did he do something to you? Oh, never mind Owen, _I_ would kill him with my bare hands if he had.

Instead, the only thing that made it pass his lips was a whisper of a name.

"Jack."

The hands tightened around his waist and he shivered from how familiar, possessive, that felt.

"Don't call me that," was mumbled in his neck. There was something in that voice, soft and warm, light years away from the meaning of the words.

"It's your name," Ianto explained, as if to a small child. It struck him, suddenly like a blow to the head, that he didn't know what had happened to his Jack. For all he knew the man could have amnesia or that might be someone entirely different or someone coming from the future or... the Welshman forced his mind to quiet down. The last thing he wanted was to scare the man in front of him, whoever he was and from whenever he was coming.

"It's also _his_ name," Jack whined, bloody whined, the words muffled from the way he was continuing to press his face into the other's neck.

Ianto's body shook again, but for an entirely different reason. That... that brat, that a hundred-year and something man-child, was pouting. It was so cute, so unexpected, so Jack-like and all the relief that was washing through him along with the pain and all the sorrow that had had its iron grip around his throat for so long ... they all filled him all at once and, truthfully, he didn't even want to know how he looked- laughing and crying and holding Jack tightly like that.

"But it's you who I am holding, isn't it," he finally found the strength to mutter. It was only then that he realized how true the statement was.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N** I have literally no excuse except of my laziness and lack of muse. It doesn't help that now I'm just telling a story with no mystery in it! (Which would continue for a couple more chapters but _then_,oh, **then**!) Anyway, I'll stop scaring you now, go on, read and enjoy ^.^

Peace Offerings

The room was unusually noisy, with everyone yelling and pointing and generally being a pain in Ianto's butt. Not that he minded, though. Things had been going so much better since Jack's return. Sometimes, the mere reminder that someone could tell his lover his most treasured secret made his blood run cold but no one seemed to care or if they did, they were going to reveal it in the most obscene way, making Jack detest him. Forever.

But for now, everything was good, they hadn't tried anything yet. They hadn't even talked to him, the first time Ianto asked what did they want for lunch, stupid him, to think they had gone over the idea of him being a walking corpse just after a little yelling, they all pointedly ignored him. He learned after that. Not to ask.

Ianto opened the door, the pizza hot in his hands, and the noise subsided. All heads, except of one, turned to the large map they had on the table , all sharing the same desire to get rid of it. Even if it was just an excuse not to look at the Welshman. And Ianto... well, he was almost proud to say that he didn't even flinch when Owen deliberately looked the other way when he placed the fork and the knife in front of him.

"You okay, love?" Jack, who had been staring at him the whole time, whispered when the Welshman reached across him.

Ianto nodded, a little jerky move of his head that couldn't express the way his heart had fluttered and stilled, the way his breath had caught in his throat. He could say so much, show so much. Instead, he did the only thing he knew he was good at. He smiled. Wide and bright and perfect and so, so fake.

"Yes, sir."

He felt like the little geeky boy who was dating the school's most popular boy and loving it, loving the fact that he had someone loving him. And being so afraid to show it, not because of himself but because this one deserved so much better. Could get so much better. So handsome and funny and clever and brave while Iant...

Perfect didn't exist but if it did it would never be connected to the name Ianto Jones.

"Are you sure?" Jack insisted, grasping his wrist and squeezing softly.

It only managed to make Ianto's heart break a little more and his smile- to widen.

"Careful, sir, that's harassment," he replied teasingly and the other man's face broke into a smile.

"Then don't temp me with that beautiful body of yours, Jones."

Just like that the moment was over, Jack got back to his pizza and the merry but just a tad tense under the surface conversation the others had started.

And Ianto realized this might have been his only chance to open up. Not that he minded, though. The room turned noisy, with everyone yelling and pointing and generally being a pain in Ianto's butt. He liked it that way.

The silence was worse.

* * *

><p>The first one to crack was Tosh.<p>

Yet again he had stayed late to clean the Hub; really, just an excuse not to face _them_ again and to avoid unnecessary questions from Jack. The man was starting to pick up his moods far too often and better than he was comfortable- bringing him tea and holding him for hours, no words, just his comforting warmth.

Out of the corner of his eyes he saw her. She was walking slowly, head bowed down and for one horrifying moment he thought that was the new way of ignoring him. Not simply pretending he wasn't there but avoiding to look at him, as well. His breath hitched, he couldn't believe they were so...

"Does it hurt?" a small voice asked on his right side. Wide-eyed, he turned toward the source and sure enough he wasn't hallucinating. That was Tosh, the girl that flinched when he touched her while he was handing her her coffee, talking to him.

He wondered briefly what to say. He couldn't honestly reveal the truth, that every time his heart stopped beating he felt it, the way it slowed down and finally ceased any movement. He couldn't tell her that he had drowned himself, hurt himself so badly he had thought he would never come back; how he had felt, taking a shining knife and sliding it over his neck.

Ianto didn't need pity. He also didn't want any more lies.

"Some times are better than others."

The silence that fell was thick and heavy, disturbed only by their breathing. Ianto continued wiping the table, he had so much to say, like, "See, I'm breathing, I'm human." and "I hate you" and "I miss you". So instead he said nothing.

A thin arm wrapped around his own and his heart stumbled.

"I'm sorry. You were never fake, you were never... inhuman. It took me so long to realize it and with all my heart I hope you forgive me."

He could ignore her, he realized that. The excuse was nothing compared to the way she, a person he had considered a friend, had treated him. He could turn away, walk into his dark office, grab his coat and disappear into the night. Hurt her the way she had.

But her body was so soft in his arms and the wetness that touched his chest... all proof she had been sincere. And maybe, just maybe, there had been wetness in his eyes too.

* * *

><p>It was so much easier after that. He had someone to talk to, someone who knew all his secrets and accepted him, who wasn't ashamed and never hid their renewed friendship. Oh, the look on Gwen's face the first time Tosh had hugged him in front of her. Ianto could pay to see it again, over and over again.<p>

Jack, too, changed. He wasn't so clingy anymore, he lost that so badly hidden hurt in his eyes every time he gazed at Ianto. But he didn't stop snuggling him and taking him to expensive restaurants and watching the Welshman's favourite movies even thought he claimed he had enjoyed dying from starvation more.

A little too late, but not never so it wasn't that hopeless, Ianto realized it was Jack's way of courting him. Sure, it was a little out-dated, and maybe all their dinners in expensive restaurants always ended with the phrase "Shit, toclafanes!" but it was... nice.

It had nothing to do with the way the other Jack had acted when they started dating, there was gentleness, yes, but it was Jack's way. His current... lover... wasn't a cavalier, he didn't open doors in front of Ianto nor did he move his chair. He teased and flirted, only with the Welshman, though, which was a miracle by itself. He slapped his butt when they crossed paths in the Hub and held his hand on the street. And Ianto couldn't say he minded.

* * *

><p>"Look, mate, I'm sorry."<p>

It happened just a day after they, meaning everyone in Torchwood and that unfortunately included Ianto, too, had sat down and discussed a strategy how to bring the Master down. Don't get him wrong, the Welshman loved to hear all their stupid plans that revolved and contained just the simple "we go in the Valiant and kill him." But being in the same room with two people glaring at him the whole day? Not his idea of fun. Well, only Gwen really threw him angry glances. Owen was extremely quiet and instead didn't even look at him.

And now he was standing before him, a poor excuse of a coffee in his hands that he was handing him as a some sort of peace offering.

A pretty lame peace offering. Ianto rolled his eyes and stepped around the medic. That wasn't the same as Tosh's apology, it sounded flat and dull and he couldn't really believe Owen would be that mean to pretend he was sorry before spilling the coffee on the Welshman's suit.

Not that it happened. Owen just let him go.

* * *

><p>"Here." The doctor handed him the report from the last alien he had examined, the one they had found dead in the sewage. It had been there for so long, Ianto realized. Not that he was surprised, though. Aliens came rarer and rarer now since the Master's dictatorship.<p>

The Welshman nodded and placed the folder on the corner of his desk. He really had more important things to do than that.

"I felt betrayed,"Owen suddenly mumbled from above him and Ianto almost jumped in his chair; he had been sure the man had already left. He raised his head and quirked an eyebrow. The other man didn't seem to notice, eyes fixed on a point a couple of inches higher than Ianto's head. "I guess we all did. All you have ever said and done was a lie. You weren't Ianto, the real one. You were just a cheap broken copy from another reality, someone that had snuck into our lives and... But then I realized... _You_ are the Ianto we know. Every memory, every happy moment, you didn't steal those. It all happened with _you_. You are not from this universe, but, hey, nobody is perfect. And keeping in mind that, can we just agree that I was an asshole, that I don't deserve to breathe the same air as you and the only suitable punishment is a painful death?"

A few seconds of silence, a brief nod from Ianto and a shy smile and...

"Now, do I get to experiment on you?"

* * *

><p>Weird, but Gwen never did apologize. She changed her behaviour, yes, practically overnight but she never gave a reason for the way she had acted or even said sorry.<p> 


	19. Chapter 19

Sometimes It All Works Out... Don't Get Used To It

The plan was simple. Harold Saxon's, or the Master's as they knew him, birthday was coming so the citizens of the world decided to honour him with a grand party. The main purpose of it was to please the man that had called himself ruler of the Earth and thank him for everything he had done to the human kind. There were a few side reasons too, like the elite finally meeting the so-called Doctor, Saxon's lover and rumored alien too.

Everyone wanted to see that man, find out what had made the person that had once terrified them fall in love with him.

A little group of 5 people just wanted to break into the party, kidnap the one everyone was waiting to see and teleport him in the Hub. A piece of cake, really.

It was Ianto's idea, actually. He held the belief that they had to talk to the Doctor first. The Timelord would never let them kill his lover, he loved him too much. The Doctor could talk sense into their heads. Not that Ianto revealed that to his team, how was he supposed to explain that since in his universe those two had been inseparable here they would continue to adore each other. No, he convinced them it was the easiest way, they were saving the Doctor and not risking anyone in foolish quests to the Valiant. Besides, they had to consult the Timelord- he was sure to have a plan.

Jack agreed, far too quickly, but the Welshman wasn't even taken aback- his plan did involve saving the Doctor, after all. Strange, but he wasn't that jealous, too. The Timelord and his lover had a connection that he couldn't understand, here or in his universe, but that didn't make him less important to Jack.

Just like that they had a few details to sort and a week time. Tosh created a teleporting device and was already working on Gwen's false identity so she could sneak in and act as their inside woman when Owen finished the drug they would use on the Doctor. Creating drugs for a Timelord was tricky but since Ianto had spend so much time with _two_ he could always, secretly, he didn't want unnecessary questions from Jack, help. And it wasn't like they were doing something powerful that could kill the Timelord, they just needed him to black out... for a bit.

* * *

><p>"You don't like it, do you?" Jack asked as the Welshman was fixing his tie. The day had finally come, Gwen was inside, keeping an eye on the Doctor and waiting for the right moment. Dully, they could hear their conversation, something about how sweet and nice the Master was. Frankly, Ianto thought the woman was overselling it but he could hardly say anything, he still was unsure of where he stood in their team. "Doesn't matter that you came up with it, you don't like the plan."<p>

"I don't like our goal, Jack. The plan is fine." Ianto shook his head, tugged at the tie again and only then did he look up. "He is not that bad."

"He is a dictator!" Jack bared his teeth.

"He has shown nothing but kindness to our kind. Our race is prospering, no more hunger and crime and sorrow! I'm not saying he cured every disease and saved every man. But he is trying..." Ianto lifted himself on his toes, seeking his lover's lips. When Jack just turned his head on one side, out of reach, the Welshman sighed. "He let _you_ go."

"But in return he took the Doctor!"

"The Doctor likes it there," Ianto almost retorted. But even if he had, nobody would have heard him. Jack was long gone.

* * *

><p>To put it simply, they succeeded. They, somehow, ensured that the Doctor will kill his lover, the one person that could make him happy. Not only that, it turned out he had already had a plan. One that he refused to share with them but a plan nonetheless... which meant the Timelord had mulled over it.<p>

Ianto had surely been far too optimistic.

He should have said something, deep inside he knew. Should have made the Doctor _listen_. He could have succeeded, if only he had revealed the truth. If he had been there when they were discussing it.

But... No. Only one sentence was needed to drive him away.

"You smell strange."

That's what the Doctor had told him and he had fled. Hidden from view in the kitchen, shaking, broken and humiliated. He knew how he smelled. He knew what he _was_.

And if that man knew too, if he told Jack... His head started hurting when he thought of it. He couldn't let his Jack know, he couldn't lose him.

Later, he found out the others had covered for him. They had come up with the lie he had picked the scent from all the time he spend with Jack. Of course... nobody would have believed the truth.

* * *

><p>"He is not going to kill him, is he?" Jack asked as they were preparing for bed a couple of nights after their meeting with the Doctor.<p>

At first they thought it would happen right away but as hours and then days passed they lost hope. None of them showed it but they were all thinking it. They had been tricked.

"No, no, he won't." Ianto had to try hard not to let his smile surface.

He was the only one truly happy about it. Sure, they were still in hiding and they couldn't leave the Hub but the Doctor was happy. The human kind was happy. And, he mused as he climbed into bed with Jack, there certainly were some perks of being locked in the same building as your lover.

Jack dragged him close for a kiss, arms twining around his waist. Yep, awesome perks.

"I hope I'm not interrupting something."


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N **Hey, sorry for the delay. I just had a pretty important exam in English that fucked up my style so badly that I needed time to recover, otherwise I would have been here, talking about taxes and global warming in a language I'm sure nobody uses or needs. Anyway, what made me write was the comment I received that reminded me I should get going and finish the story, not tease you guys. However, is it really that mysterious? I mean, just look at Chapter 16, almost all answers are _there. _I'm either missing something or you all think this is more than it is (which was not something I should have said... apologies. Still, I have only two or three major things ((that I've been hinting about for chapters)) and the links between them to explain and that's it.)

Even If You Are Immortal Try Not To Die, Please

"I hope I'm not interrupting something"

Jack was on his feet in a matter of seconds, gun in his hand and a grim expression on his face. Dressed only in boxers, he looked more ridiculous than scary but Ianto knew better. He had seen that look before and could only wish that the new-comer would realize the gravity of the situation as well.

"What are you doing here?" Jack demanded through clenched teeth.

"So what? You can pay me and my Doctor a visit anytime you want but when I decide to come by it's at an inconvenient time?" The smile they received and the playful wink told Ianto that the Master hadn't got the message. The way Jack squeezed his gun told him the Timelord soon will.

"Don't play games, Master. What do you want?" he joined in.

The Master wrinkled his nose in his direction for just a second. It was more like a hint, a warning. More 'I know what you are and if you are not careful so will he' than the simple 'You smell like a paradox.

But just as it had appeared it was lost and a smile marred the Timelord's face. He tilted his head.

"Your help, of course. To get everything the way it used to be"

Jack snorted, the gun twitching slightly and Ianto followed it with a sinking heart."How can I trust you?"

"That's the fun part, you can't." The Master laughed as if it truly was funny. "But just imagine all the suffering you could prevent if you agreed and I was truthful. All the pain and death. I will be nobody again and your race will be free. Isn't that why you kidnapped the Doctor?"

Jack stared at him for the longest minute of Ianto's life before he nodded. Then he lowered the gun and a few seconds later it was back on top of the nightstand.

"Fine, what do you want me to do?"

"Oh, you seem to have misunderstood me, dear. I meant both of you." The Master stopped for a second, enjoying the fact that they were both too shocked to oppose him before delivering his final blow. "I want Ianto as well."

"NO!"

That was a scream and nobody could convince Ianto otherwise. It was something small, truly, of course Jack wouldn't want them both to engage in a dangerous activity such as placing trust in the Master. It would be pointless, they both knew that. Besides Ianto was second in command, to the great displeasure of certain members of their team, and for Torchwood to lose its both superiors... the damage would have been tremendous.

Still, it plucked at Ianto's heart strings how ready his lover was to fight with one of the most powerful creatures they had ever met over the Welshman's safety.

The Master, though, wasn't that impressed. Shaking his head, he clicked his tongue a few times, before smirking again.

"This is _my_ insurance. Because I can't trust you either, now, can I?"

Jack, with his fingers curled into fists, seemed like he couldn't agree more. But before either of the men in front of him could do something that would eventually lead to the last hope for humanity perishing, Ianto was on his feet and curling around his lover like a vine.

"It's okay. I can come and stay out of trouble, eh?" he teased lightly, feeling instantly the immortal melt beside him.

He tried hard not to pay attention to the way the Master had taken an involuntary step backwards or the way his fingers had twitched towards the inside of his jacket, where the gun he no doubt had come with, laid, ready for use. Most of all, Ianto tried to ignore the way the Timelord's jaw had tensed almost as if he had to remind himself that he shouldn't shoot the Welshman on sight. It really hurt, though, maybe because that was exactly what the Master had done.

It was in the Master's blood, after all, having the desire to cleanse time and space. And in his eyes, Ianto was nothing more than a rotting patch of flesh in the fabric of the universe. Nothing that major, the existence of which causing maybe a little itching and discomfort. Nothing that would cause the end of the world... yet.

Ianto didn't blame him for wanting to get rid of a ticking time bomb. He would have too, if he knew how. And, god knew, he had tried.

* * *

><p>He had been right- he didn't get to touch anything. It was all "Fetch me the screwdriver, boy", "Oi, don't touch that" and "Why don't you sit your fancy ass as far as possible." The Timelord reminded him an awful lot of Owen, and not the kind and cuddly thing he had become after Ianto's secret was revealed.<p>

As he shared yet another exasperated glance with Jack while heading to the kitchen to follow the Master's insane wish, actually this time it was a bit more normal- brewing coffee, Ianto couldn't be more thankful to the mad alien.

There simply was no way he could explain why every time he approached the machine his lover and the Timelord were fixing he felt sick to his stomach or why in those exact moments he had seen sparks coming from the thing. It clearly hated him, thought he was an abomination; he was too much even for a paradox machine, how... paradoxical.

Of course, being what he was sort of did that to you.

At least the plan was simple, far more simple than the one Torchwood had come up with all those days ago. In order to do what he did, the Master had made the time machine into a paradox one, which was one of the simplest things to do, really, if you knew where to touch. This particular bit of information he had learnt from _his_ Master, as he listened to his plans to conquer the Earth. It hadn't come as a shock that this Timelord had chosen exactly the other Master's favourite way.

The trouble came when one decided they wanted a time machine out of what they had right now. That took a bit more than a few twists of a screwdriver.

They were going to need ho...

"You'll have to tell him, some day."

..urs.

Ianto's bones cracked as he turned around swiftly, coffee splashing around the inside of the cups. Seconds later he knew he had done the wrong thing. He should have played it cool, should have acted innocent and innocent wasn't looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Tell who what?" he still tried but judging by the grin playing on far too thin lips, he had missed his chance. Not waiting for an answer, not really needing it, he headed for the door. He passed the Master, who never ceased to look at him, smirk at him, and for one glorious moment he thought he had made it.

"That you are immortal." The Master almost shouted it and Ianto twitched. Almost dropped the cups too, before he realized that if the screams didn't get Jacks attention then him falling to the ground with the tray and everything surely will. His lover had a selective hearing like that.

"Keep your voice down," Ianto hissed, turning on his heels and approaching the Master as fast as he could. If before it had been clear who had the advantage in their situation, now power was a relative term. "What do you propose I tell him, hm?"

The Master didn't take a step back, no matter how much Ianto abused his personal space but at least there was no trace of the smile.

"'Oh, hey, Jack, you know how you always assumed I was from this world. Well, yeah, guess again' Something like this?" He was acting so out of character, he knew that. He was and had always been the quiet coffee boy, the timid hero's lover that was good only at organizing stuff. The ordinary man with no secrets.

But that in itself was a lie, wasn't it.

The character he had developed, the one he was now contradicting, that wasn't the real him. Well, maybe it was the Ianto from this world, sweet little Ianto that didn't see the end of the world, that died thinking his beautiful girlfriend loved him. But not him.

"But you will die... someday. People do that, dear boy."

Ianto huffed and stepped away. "Then I'll try not to die."

It sounded so easy. Try not to die, try not to let him see the freak you are. People did that every day, didn't die.

He could manage it long enough for Jack to get tired of him. And maybe some day, thousands of years in the future, Jack Harkness would meet a man that resembles someone long since dead in his memory.

And Ianto will have his almost-soul mate again. For a while.


	21. Chapter 21

Almost But Never Enough

The plan truly was something worthy of a child. They, meaning Jack and the Master, with Ianto wandering aimlessly, repaired the machine in a matter of hours and that included every possible check up the Timelord could think of before deeming it ready and going to wake up his lover.

"What was all that yelling about?" Jack immediately questioned when they were left alone. It came out of the blue, hanging in the air for a few seconds.

Ianto's back stiffened and his only response was a shaky, "Yelling?"

"Don't play dense, Yan. You and the Master, you were fighting."

The Welshman risked a glance at his lover and when he saw fire in those eyes, anger that hasn't been directed towards him for so long, he swallowed thickly. That was the moment of truth, eh? And judging by Jack's expression he wasn't a big fan of their situation.

"I..."

To be honest, something he rarely was, neither was Ianto.

"What did you mean with 'part time shag'?" Angered by the silence, Jack finally took the conversation into his hands and that was the first thing that passed his lips. The voice wasn't irritated, though, it was mostly... disbelieving, disappointed. Jack stared at him, unmistakable sadness in his eyes, as he continued. "What did I do? And can something that will bind us for as long as it's possible be considered a mistake!?"

Suddenly, everything became clear to Ianto and his whole body relaxed. Jack had heard only the second part of their conversation, the unimportant, not-revealing-any-secrets one.

_"It'll happen, sooner or later. Look, I'm not exactly the person to whom you should go for a dating advice but this is something tremendous. You can't keep it hidden."_

_"I can't tell him" Ianto's voice rose before he took a deep breath and forced himself to relax. "I can't tell him that he is stuck with me for a lifetime, with me- a part time shag, just because he made a mistake in the past! He is not like that, monogamous, faithful... how can I be sure that I'll have him for 2 years yet alone 20? How can I force him to be with me?"_

_"I understand. But this secret, dear boy..."_

At this point a noise outside the kitchen had made them break apart and go back to their jobs like guilty boys, almost caught in an immoral act. In a sense they were exactly that. However, even in his wildest dreams Ianto couldn't have thought that the person that had eavesdropped on their conversation would be his lover.

A Time machine was a curious thing. Especially reversed. Powerful, too. Just imagine having the power of a paradox, able to go back and meet yourself, talk to yourself, prevent all those mistakes that had burdened your life. That was the power of a god, a rather remorseful and and self-despising one, but a deity nonetheless. And if there was a race that loved playing god, even if they denied it, hiding behind the pretense they were only watching, it was the Timelords.

Then why weren't they killing each other over the chance to obtain a machine that could triple their abilities? The answer was simple, Ianto had received it when he fired that same question to the man who willingly had become a sort of a mentor to him. Turning the paradox machine into what it had formerly been was a long and dangerous process, the Master from his past had explained. On top of that, it was inevitable.

The universe could stand the rotting only so much before it collapsed onto itself. Which explained the side effect to the procedure- a paradox was so powerful that even the memory of it could harm, so the person doing it, cleansing the fabric of the universe of its stinking existence had to "delete" the memory of everyone that had ever been in contact with it. It was automatic... and irreversible.

It was also the one thing that made Ianto pause and wonder if he could tell his lover. Jack was watching him expectantly, a gleam in his eyes that told the Welshman he thought he had won, that he had broken his lover and he swallowed thickly. He opened his mouth, closed it again.

He wasn't going to lose anything, his mind argued. Nothing except of his mind, a thing that was already long gone, and his heart, sure to be broken by the hurtful worlds. Then again, even that wasn't his anymore. In exchange he would receive hatred and disgust, violence perhaps, from the one whose opinion he treasured the most. What a bargain.

Or maybe not... however, being a paradox didn't necessary mean loving yourself or the ones like you, it had never been supposed to be like that, maybe because the chance of two paradoxes ever meeting each other... Besides, Ianto was more than that. He was a fixed point in time from another dimension. He was pretty sure if there was ever a contest, he would beat everyone by default.

He smiled, a soft, somewhat forced pull of his white lips, but Jack returned it, the brightness of his almost making up for the lack of life in the other's.

"Will I ever see you smile like that if I tell you?" Ianto asked himself before his muscles twitched in a grimace. Yes, yes he would.

Because for Jack this will be a never dreamt nightmare, a memory he couldn't have. For Ianto too, until he died. Until, like every time he was swallowed by depression and without knowing, without even guessing, because how could he, he was going to be just like everyone on the planet, until he took a couple of pills more and welcomed the darkness. A place where you couldn't hide from your memories, no matter how forbidden they were.

And Ianto would know, would hear the words thrown his way every night, would feel the slap, the disgust while his lover lived in the comfortable little world of not-knowing.

"I'll tell you," instead whispered Ianto. "I promise."

The words left him empty and hurting, but Jack took his hand and squeezed it. And for a moment it was worth it.

* * *

><p>The Doctor, a man of peace and forgiveness, a man who would never pass judgment, would never hold a grudge... would never hate, so soft and broken, couldn't stop glaring at Ianto. He was looking at the Welshman as if the man before him was a piece of gum stuck on the universe's shoes, as if he was so foul and wicked he didn't deserve to be alive. As if the Doctor knew the truth.<p>

It made Ianto hyper-aware of everything else that was happening around him, the glances the Timelord and his lover were exchanging, especially after a particularly rude remark from one of them, the twisting of their mouths when _he_ was too close. It also forced Ianto to wonder if Jack could sense the same thing that made them react this way to his proximity.

If his lover smelled the wrongness on him. If he was as disgusting to him as he was to them.

Then rationality caught up with him and he remembered he himself could hardly smell it on Jack and that was with him knowing what to search for. His poor lover wasn't even aware of what he had gotten himself into.

Luckily, it wasn't long before the Timelords' attention shifted from Ianto to each other. Jack made the mistake to actually ask what was going on, a thing Ianto had learnt lead only to trouble and lowered self-esteem, because who in their right mind could understand the talk of two crazy geniuses, really?

When the Doctor and the Master talked they resembled those annoying couples that finished each other's sentences and wore matching sweaters. It should have been disgusting but their smiles were bright and identical and Ianto's heart ached. He felt like an intruder, he didn't notice when he was grasping for Jack's hand, for some sort of reminder that he belonged there. It was just a delusion, still it made him feel a little better.

When they were done, an hour later and 40 minutes more than it should have been, the two Timelords gazed at them like proud parents that have just explained quantum physics to their 4 year old kids and now were expecting some sort of reaction. Ianto and Jack just felt like said 4 year olds.

"A...ha," Jack drawled, nodding once. The way his eyes darted from one corner of the room to the other as if searching for an explanation on the walls that was written in simple English, gave away his utter lack of understanding. It also showed he had learnt the most important thing there was to know about Timelords. You never asked them anything. Ever.

"So we won't remember anything?" Ianto asked, fully focused on maintaining his voice clear and innocent.

From behind the Doctor he could see the Master nodding slightly. That was exactly what the Timelord had asked of him, soon after he had arrived hand-in-hand with his lover. He had warned him to play dumb, to ask questions to which he knew the answer, to be a noisy little human just like Jack would expect. Play an act as he had put it.

'You might even please Theta,' the Master had teased.

It hadn't been something Ianto had received well and he had even tried to explain that it wasn't in his character, the one he was playing and the real him, to ask questions, relevant or not.

'When faced with the unknown people often act out of character, boy,' had been the Timelord's playful remark and with that their conversation had seemed finished.

Those words had made the Welshman a little sick and it had almost nothing to do with the fact the alien had once again called him that dreaded pet name. It made him wonder if perhaps Jack would too act unnaturally if, when, Ianto told him.

Bottom line was he was doing it, acting dumb and so... human, because of course they wouldn't remember anything, the Timelords had just explained it. It was only to make the Master happy.

The hopefulness in his eyes, though, told a different story.

"No, we are in the eye of the storm, we'll be the only one _that_ remember." Sweetly, happily, as if he was glad he could answer the question from the little silly human, but Ianto knew better, the Doctor replied.

The Welshman didn't know what made him wobble on his feet, that rose the bile in his throat. Maybe it was the voice soaked in venom he had never imagined would be turned his way, maybe it was the words themselves, the realization that there was no escaping the oath he had given. Perhaps even it was the sudden reminder he would have never could.

For he was not the only frequenter of the abyssal afterlife and the other one he knew of was currently holding him close and asking if he was all right.

"Yes, just too much. I mean aliens I could deal with but time travel and paradoxes? I need time to assimilate it," Ianto lied with an ease that came only after years of avoiding the truth with a passion.

It was humiliating, but not that much when he thought about it, because surely it had happened before, _today_, how quickly he melted in his lover's embrace, a content sigh passing his lips.

"It's alright, Yan," Jack whispered. "I'm here. I'll always be here." The immortal lied just as easily but Ianto couldn't blame him. That was Jack for you, things like that he just ignored. For all the Welshman knew, his lover, in that exact moment, felt like they would always be together.

Lie or not, it still made shivers run down Ianto's spine. He opened his mouth to reply with something equally cheesy and cliche and... heartwarming when the whole room shook and the Master's voice rung in the air.

"It's all right."

Having spend so much time near those two, Ianto had learnt a little Timelord-y and he knew those exact words meant, "Prepare yourself, something bad is going to happen." The ground beneath them did the same little dance, catching him tugging on Jack's arm to make him move toward the aliens, where, at least, it was safer.

This was why instead of succeeding in helping the other man he caused his, both of theirs actually, fall. In just a matter of seconds they found themselves in the rather comfortable position that consisted of Jack lying on top of Ianto. The immortal smiled apologetically,or at least that was what he should have been aiming for but instead it came tempting and holding so many promises.

So Jack-like.

And Ianto forgot he was laying under the man who had come so close to revealing his true identity, in a room with aliens that wouldn't want anything more than to erase him just like they were going to do with their paradox. He grinned back.


	22. Chapter 22

Moment Of Truth In Your Lies

The Timelords returned them a whole year after Jack's disappearance and a few month after Ianto's. Apart from that missed time, the angry glares, accusation of abandonment and teasing questions everything was perfect.

Perfect as in Jack never repeated his question, going on living his life, pretending nothing had happened. It was for the best, although it made Ianto, the insecure being he was, wonder if it was out of lack of interest. Then Jack would do something, say something that would make the Welshman smile regardless of his mood and he would know. His lover just didn't want to push him.

A noble move, if not very wise. Ianto was too bent on keeping it to himself, too scared of the consequences to open his mouth without a little push.

Until one day when the push presented itself. Didn't it always happen like that, you live your life, the same old boring life, the same familiar faces, the same monotonous actions, repeated day after day. Until something happened and shattered your whole crystally perfect world.

Until you died in Ianto's case.

Or almost died, it had the same significance to a person who had died more times than he could remember.

They had been hunting a thing. That was all Ianto could say. He didn't know how it looked, how it was called or how to fight it. He had been locked in the Hub by none other than Jack "for his own safety", a thing that had started to become more and more common much to his dismay.

But the thing had broken in, of course it had, Ianto's life _had_ to look like some Latino-American soap opera just with aliens and immortal boyfriends, didn't it? And it had been so close to blowing his mind, from splattering his brain on the wall and leaving _him_ to explain why in a matter of hours that same brain was back in his head. Luckily, Jack had been right behind it, ready to shoot it in the back of the head, its only vulnerable place, and save the day.

They took the body, cleaned the blood. The only thing they couldn't erase was Ianto's fear, born at the only time he had stared Death in the face and dreaded what was to come. When everything was peaceful and quiet again, Ianto burst in Jack's office, locking the door behind him. His lover lifted his head at the sound, his smirk whispering of the sinful things he was expecting to happen, after all this sound had been their foreplay for so long. Taking one look at the man before him was enough to wipe any desire from his face, though.

"Yan, what's wrong?"

He pushed his chair back and in a flash he was standing before his lover, fingers curling around his biceps and eyes, dark with worry, roaming the other's body and searching for the source of Ianto's despair.

The Welshman took a moment to regain his composure, and to savour the warmth he wasn't sure he would feel ever again after this, before he brushed off the hands and took a step back.

"I need to tell you something," he said, voice shaking but chin held firmly up.

"It's that thing, isn't it?" For someone who had practically yelled at him to make him reveal his secret, Jack sounded surprisingly calm and even, dare Ianto think it, disappointed. "You don't have to tell me. If it makes you feel like that, bloody Hell, Ianto, you should have told me to stop bothering you. Besides you are feeling vulnerable right now and I'd hate to take advantage of this, not if you are going to regret it later. Why don't you sit down and let me bring you tea?"

Ianto shook his head, a tentative smile slipping past his defenses. His lover was far too cute. He wondered if the other man would still care like that for him in an hour.

"No, I want to tell you."

Ianto took the seat in front of the desk, hoping, maybe subconsciously to create a distance between them. Reading his mind, Jack refused to take the 'boss' position and instead of behind the desk he perched on the edge of it.

"I..." the Welshman started then closed his mouth. He had thought long and hard how to explain that, for years. He was expecting some kind of divine revelation but when nothing of that sort came he decided to just let it flow.

"I'm not from this world."

Oh, a joke. He lifted his head to see if he'll receive a smirk or a lewd remark for his effort but Jack was watching him as intently as before.

He smiled, of course his lover wouldn't rise to the bait on such occasion. He cared far too much for what Ianto was going to say.

So the Welshman told him. Everything. About Lisa's betrayal, about how he had wanted a fresh start, he described his little cafe in such detail it was as if Jack was standing inside it. He told him about the man he had met there.

"He was my first partner since Lisa, my true love, my soul mate as I thought then. I adored him and so did he. My Jack."

The man before him twitched, lips tightening. It was the first and as Ianto later realized last reaction he would get from Jack. No matter how insane, how made-up everything sounded, a sign of jealousy was the only thing he would be shown.

Ianto told him everything and Jack... he just listened, listened about a man who was and wasn't him, about a planet that had been but would never be. About a past that he would never remember. Not once did he utter a word or snort in disbelief. Somehow, that was easier.

"When he... when he died." The Welshman trembled as if he was seeing the man, or what was left of him, take his last breath, and maybe he did. "I was left alone, a part of him, the one he hated the most, engraved in my soul as a punishment for being alive. He didn't mean to, it was the only thing he could do, he even apologized, long before I could understand what had happened. He was sorry he gifted me with immortality and later on I realized why. It was a curse, the one befitting the lowest of the scums of Earth."

Ianto lifted his eyes, and to the other's surprise there were no tears in them. They were dead and Jack realized it wasn't the first time they had been like that.

"I clung to him, when he disappeared into the Void. I figured... why not. It was a fitting death, away from a universe I had never really thought I belonged to with a thing that held the brain but not the heart of the one that made me feel like, for once, I had found my place. And in that moment, death was a welcoming gift. Of course, it didn't work like that. I didn't die, or I did, hundreds and thousands of times, there, in that darkness."

His speech was interrupted by a shaky laugh and he needed a few seconds to realize it was coming from his own mouth.

"When I arrived in this world, brand new and... I met myself. He was long dead, converted and senile enough to easily accept there were two of us. I have traveled long and far but this was the first time I have seen myself. It gave me hope and I thought of _you_. For the first time I left my Jack's embrace, watched as he faded, knowing well enough he was returning to the cold safety of the Void, a plan forming in my mind.

Foolishly, I thought I can come to you. I believed, _hoped _you'd remember. You would take one look at me and... of course, I was wrong. You couldn't remember something you've never experienced. You couldn't love someone you have never seen."

"So I was just a replacement," Jack grit through clenched teeth, his first words since the beginning of the story.

"Yes, just like I'm your Ianto's substitute."

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh, you would have loved him. He would have been the perfect one for you. So brave, so dedicated even when half-dead. He would have made you happy, and who knows, even helped you find a way to end this curse that bonds the both of us. But life is cruel and your soul mate died long before you could meet him."

"Life is... are you _pitying_ me? You! The one who spend an eternity in the Void, with nothing but a corpse?!"

Jack jumped on his feet, not sure if he was mad about the fact that someone felt sorry for him or the sudden realization that the only man he had ever felt close to had used him as a way to connect with a long-dead lover. Knowing himself, the reason to his anger was clear if not overwhelmingly humiliating.

Ianto shook his head, slowly, as if he was in a trance.

"Jealousy, Jack... it doesn't suit you." His eyes, suddenly focused and so intense, found the other man's. He smiled. "I told you, didn't I?"

He lifted himself from his seat and in a few seconds he was facing his lover. The other man tried to step back, he couldn't deal with that, with the familiar smile on the person he hadn't realized he knew so little of, but Ianto took his hands in his and brought them to his mouth, kissing every knuckle

"I loved him. My Jack." The immortal winced and Ianto tightened his hold. "But it's you who I'm holding. It's you who I'm kissing."

Jack pulled back his hands, taking a sharp breath and for a second Ianto thought he had ruined it. That it had been far too much for the other man to take in, that he couldn't continue to love him after that.

Those thoughts plagued him, eating at his heart until the other man dragged him into a kiss. Soft and sweet. Forgiving. Ianto relaxed, a little bit too much but he had Jack to hold him up. He hoped he would always have him.

"It's me you are loving," Jack whispered in his lips when they separated.

Both their faces were wet with tears as they nodded, first Ianto and then his lover.

That was enough. Of course, they would fight, they would fall out but they would always return to the other's embrace. They weren't perfect, they weren't soul mates but that was, would be, is close enough.

"Forever." Neither of them knew who whispered it, maybe it was both of them. They grinned.

**A/N** Well, it's over. I'm actually sad to see this one go but this is it. All mysteries are solved and the show must end. Thank you for sticking so long and I hope you liked it and I fooled you at least once!


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